I find myself as time goes on becoming increasingly lonely and sad as I realize just how cruel life can be. Granted, I don't think I help it much...I constantly surround myself with people who berate me and make me unhappy...my family. Plus, I started listening to country music...which is all about true love, and I continually am reminded of how unappealing I am to women...despite the fact that I like to think I'm this amazing guy.
I finally got to Kerry the thought that her and I could never ever get back together. She kinda finally lost it. I can't just reject someone and go on living without being affected...I'm not that person. The worst part was that even though I knew we were never workable, the fact that she was there, a reminder that someone actually loves me for who I am, really helped me in the sense that that possibility actually exists like there is another person who could.
I hate being mopey and sad like this. Granted, I haven't been truly happy for longer than I can remember. I can't remember the last time I felt like everything I wanted to go my way was going that way. I just needed to vent that...ugh what a week.
Sunday, April 4, 2010
Friday, October 2, 2009
Confusing Times
I haven't posted in a long time, and I definetily have a lot to write, and to be honest, I'm looking for some sort of feedback, because the people who generally read this are my closest friends, and my most trusted advisors (even if I don't keep in touch like I should).
First, the good news: I have a MAJOR job interview tomorrow with The Hartford. I don't think this is the kind of place that will hire me on the spot tomorrow, but a guy can hope, right? This job can give me the cashflow I need to get a new computer and a new car! How exciting....and maybe not even a used one!
If all goes well at the interview/test tomorrow, I could be giving my notice to Wal-Mart tomorrow. Its exciting, although I hate to leave Wal-Mart...there are some great people over there.
Ok, confusing parts incoming:
I've been chatting with/seeing Kerry for a couple of weeks now, and we've been discussing the potential possibility of getting back together. The general consensus from my friends (you people) was that this was a bad idea...as you are all great friends and don't want to see me get hurt. I'll admit that at the time, I was hopeful, but skeptical at the same time. Initially, I was very hopeful, and thought that Kerry and I finally had a chance to move on from what had happened and could focus on what could happen.
The honest truth is that now, I am see-sawing on this issue. Some nights when I come to visit, its great: she is all smiles, and its like when we used to actually date, so happy to just be in each other's presence. Most of the other nights, however, she's really tired from doing her normal stuff, and all she seems to want me there for is to help her sleep (apparently I help her relax) and to help with chores so she can go to bed. I kinda hate that. It bothers me.
I dislike the fact I have too much faith in us, because the truth is I feel like I want us to work for bad reasons. Mainly because I feel like I've already met, and lost out on enough people who could've been amazing companions. Ugh, hate this feeling. I don't know what to do anymore.
-T
First, the good news: I have a MAJOR job interview tomorrow with The Hartford. I don't think this is the kind of place that will hire me on the spot tomorrow, but a guy can hope, right? This job can give me the cashflow I need to get a new computer and a new car! How exciting....and maybe not even a used one!
If all goes well at the interview/test tomorrow, I could be giving my notice to Wal-Mart tomorrow. Its exciting, although I hate to leave Wal-Mart...there are some great people over there.
Ok, confusing parts incoming:
I've been chatting with/seeing Kerry for a couple of weeks now, and we've been discussing the potential possibility of getting back together. The general consensus from my friends (you people) was that this was a bad idea...as you are all great friends and don't want to see me get hurt. I'll admit that at the time, I was hopeful, but skeptical at the same time. Initially, I was very hopeful, and thought that Kerry and I finally had a chance to move on from what had happened and could focus on what could happen.
The honest truth is that now, I am see-sawing on this issue. Some nights when I come to visit, its great: she is all smiles, and its like when we used to actually date, so happy to just be in each other's presence. Most of the other nights, however, she's really tired from doing her normal stuff, and all she seems to want me there for is to help her sleep (apparently I help her relax) and to help with chores so she can go to bed. I kinda hate that. It bothers me.
I dislike the fact I have too much faith in us, because the truth is I feel like I want us to work for bad reasons. Mainly because I feel like I've already met, and lost out on enough people who could've been amazing companions. Ugh, hate this feeling. I don't know what to do anymore.
-T
Thursday, September 10, 2009
Monday, September 7, 2009
Stir Crazy Blues
I'm sick of being home. Sick of feeling unwelcome in my own room. Sick of watching an unequal standing for my siblings.
I know they are my family, and they love me. But love isn't everything. I hate my brother. My sister can do no wrong in the eyes of my parents, and gets everything she wants. They can tell me until they are blue in the face, but she doesn't get punished like we used to, and she is just as bad as we were, if not worse.
I hate how my father always gets so angry when I make comments and stuff about this, and how he spouts lectures about the importance of family when he hasn't spoken to his younger brother in over 10 years. He refuses to patch things up despite how much he misses his brother. I fucking hate double standards! Its like everything in my life has been some sort of fucking double standard that I never seem to have the benefit of...
Granted, I could be completely missing them, or ignoring them all together for the purpose of being emotional and mad. No matter. The whole ordeal with Kerry was a big double standard in our relationship, theres a huge double standard between all of us children in the Fasano house. Nick gets to say, do and be whatever the fuc he wants to, and no one says anything. Gabby never gets fucking punished for things I would've been slapped for at her age. (I don't give a shit about the "changing times" bullshit. Parents are over sensitive nowadays and need a slap themselves.) I get the blame for everything. I work my ass off to help the family, but get no recognition. I hate this place!
I just want to find my dream job (yeah, right) and move out. Who cares about financials? Fuck Sallie Mae. Its my fault shes ruining my life. I'm going to be 48/49 when I pay off my loans. FML. I fucking give up! I'm 23 years old and my life is basically over. I have wasted nearly 6 years of my life in a relationship that basically destroyed me, wasted 5 fucking around in college to accomplish nothing, and am in debt 162 large, which will take 25 years or more to pay off, I'm in a dead end job where I get no respect and am disliked because I know what the fuck I'm talking about.
I laugh sometimes about when I was really, really depressed after Kerry and I broke up, and I thought pretty thoroughly about suicide and homicide (of her parents). Its just funny because by far, my life is considerably worse, and I'm not contemplating suicide...simply because it would completely screw over my family. Well, my mom and dad. Fuck the other two.
It really sucks being 23, and knowing that you've got nothing to really look forward to in life except the next good movie with a friend or a bonus paycheck you can actually spend on yourself instead of bills.
I know they are my family, and they love me. But love isn't everything. I hate my brother. My sister can do no wrong in the eyes of my parents, and gets everything she wants. They can tell me until they are blue in the face, but she doesn't get punished like we used to, and she is just as bad as we were, if not worse.
I hate how my father always gets so angry when I make comments and stuff about this, and how he spouts lectures about the importance of family when he hasn't spoken to his younger brother in over 10 years. He refuses to patch things up despite how much he misses his brother. I fucking hate double standards! Its like everything in my life has been some sort of fucking double standard that I never seem to have the benefit of...
Granted, I could be completely missing them, or ignoring them all together for the purpose of being emotional and mad. No matter. The whole ordeal with Kerry was a big double standard in our relationship, theres a huge double standard between all of us children in the Fasano house. Nick gets to say, do and be whatever the fuc he wants to, and no one says anything. Gabby never gets fucking punished for things I would've been slapped for at her age. (I don't give a shit about the "changing times" bullshit. Parents are over sensitive nowadays and need a slap themselves.) I get the blame for everything. I work my ass off to help the family, but get no recognition. I hate this place!
I just want to find my dream job (yeah, right) and move out. Who cares about financials? Fuck Sallie Mae. Its my fault shes ruining my life. I'm going to be 48/49 when I pay off my loans. FML. I fucking give up! I'm 23 years old and my life is basically over. I have wasted nearly 6 years of my life in a relationship that basically destroyed me, wasted 5 fucking around in college to accomplish nothing, and am in debt 162 large, which will take 25 years or more to pay off, I'm in a dead end job where I get no respect and am disliked because I know what the fuck I'm talking about.
I laugh sometimes about when I was really, really depressed after Kerry and I broke up, and I thought pretty thoroughly about suicide and homicide (of her parents). Its just funny because by far, my life is considerably worse, and I'm not contemplating suicide...simply because it would completely screw over my family. Well, my mom and dad. Fuck the other two.
It really sucks being 23, and knowing that you've got nothing to really look forward to in life except the next good movie with a friend or a bonus paycheck you can actually spend on yourself instead of bills.
Sunday, August 23, 2009
Weird Realizations of a "Free" Man
I have to admit, I really enjoy long drives by myself. Especially at night on the highway. I had the opportunity to be with my own thoughts with soft music playing in the background of the white noise of wind at 65 miles per hour. I got a chance to visit two of my best friends, Zack and Erin, as they began gearing up for the new school year, which gave me the ability to drive home at night, and these were some of the thoughts that I ran through:
First things first, it was great to see the two of them. I will admit that I am horrible at keeping in touch with people, and to actually be able to be in their presence and company was wonderful. I loved seeing them, chatting with them, and sharing a meal with them at Captain's Catch. However, I also felt this great divide between me and them, like the simple fact that I was "done" with college...at least, for the time being, changed things. That sucks. It wasn't something awful, but it seemed like I was in a totally different world then they were. I don't know how I feel about that.
On the subject of college: I realize now that Kerry, the break up, and the disastrous aftermath were not the only factors that led to my eventual drop-out. I...didn't want to be there. The University of New Haven was, in the end, a place I hated. Not because of the people (my friends are the best), but because it allowed me to get as bad as I was, and no one intervened. Yeah, it wasn't their job. But it made me think that someone would've noticed a student, one who is very active, etc. Falls off the face of the Earth, Withdraws from every single class for two semesters straight...you'd think someone would've found me and asked if things were alright. I think that is part of the reason I am so displeased with the school, and why I could never finish, even in the wake of better days. (This is beyond the point of the fact I didn't see a point, or care in the slightest. But I still believe this to be contributing factor.)
I also once again found myself thinking on the subject of relationships, and women. I find it strange that I have begun to think about Kerry again. I hope she is ok, because the fact of the matter is that I know the girl came out about as well as I did, and had a lot less support in terms of friends and such.
I found it ironic as I drove, listening to the radio, that our relationship is very similar to two songs by an artist that seemed to evolve as our relationship did: Kelly Clarkson. She sang "our song" at the time, which completely described us. Now, her newest single, "Already Gone," seems to describe our relationship even more as the end came drawing near. I just simply find it ironic, especially if you see Ms. Clarkson in the videos. In "A moment like this," she is juvenile, a teen, much like we were. She was optimistic, with big dreams in her eyes. In "Already Gone," she is older, seems wiser, and she looks learned, as if shes been through pain and disappointment.
These are just observations in the latest time frame, I don't want people to see these as cryptic messages for help. Iam most likely looking too far in to things, and work from there.
Until next time....Excelsior!
First things first, it was great to see the two of them. I will admit that I am horrible at keeping in touch with people, and to actually be able to be in their presence and company was wonderful. I loved seeing them, chatting with them, and sharing a meal with them at Captain's Catch. However, I also felt this great divide between me and them, like the simple fact that I was "done" with college...at least, for the time being, changed things. That sucks. It wasn't something awful, but it seemed like I was in a totally different world then they were. I don't know how I feel about that.
On the subject of college: I realize now that Kerry, the break up, and the disastrous aftermath were not the only factors that led to my eventual drop-out. I...didn't want to be there. The University of New Haven was, in the end, a place I hated. Not because of the people (my friends are the best), but because it allowed me to get as bad as I was, and no one intervened. Yeah, it wasn't their job. But it made me think that someone would've noticed a student, one who is very active, etc. Falls off the face of the Earth, Withdraws from every single class for two semesters straight...you'd think someone would've found me and asked if things were alright. I think that is part of the reason I am so displeased with the school, and why I could never finish, even in the wake of better days. (This is beyond the point of the fact I didn't see a point, or care in the slightest. But I still believe this to be contributing factor.)
I also once again found myself thinking on the subject of relationships, and women. I find it strange that I have begun to think about Kerry again. I hope she is ok, because the fact of the matter is that I know the girl came out about as well as I did, and had a lot less support in terms of friends and such.
I found it ironic as I drove, listening to the radio, that our relationship is very similar to two songs by an artist that seemed to evolve as our relationship did: Kelly Clarkson. She sang "our song" at the time, which completely described us. Now, her newest single, "Already Gone," seems to describe our relationship even more as the end came drawing near. I just simply find it ironic, especially if you see Ms. Clarkson in the videos. In "A moment like this," she is juvenile, a teen, much like we were. She was optimistic, with big dreams in her eyes. In "Already Gone," she is older, seems wiser, and she looks learned, as if shes been through pain and disappointment.
These are just observations in the latest time frame, I don't want people to see these as cryptic messages for help. Iam most likely looking too far in to things, and work from there.
Until next time....Excelsior!
Sunday, August 9, 2009
Acceptance.
I haven't blogged in a while, mainly because of work...and just a general desire to not rant about something. Truth is, these blogs have become mainly a release for me when I feel bad, or sad, or lonely. I recently have been doing a lot of fun things, like going to New Hampshire, and getting blitzed drunk. As weird as that sounds for me....I really feel like it was good. I needed time to literally forget, because as my last couple of blogs suggest, things kinda suck...and they still do, just they are a lot closer.
I have once again gone back to internet dating, and re-tried making an eHarmony profile, as I am not really looking for a date. I never have been. I have always been looking for a relationship, someone to hold, someone to hug goodbye and squeeze as hard as they can, and never let go because they don' want you to leave. Someone who can speak to you without using words...
It initially started pretty well. They use a guided communication system, which has four phases before you get to the regular e-mail portion of the communication (known as "open" communication). Also, if you don't think a person is a match, you can close a match, which will notify the person the other person wants to close the match, and requires a confirmation from the other party. Needless to say, my profile wasn't totally complete, but I was in communication with three separate girls, some close, some not...and the second I put pictures up of myself...all three had closed the match. That really hurt...I hate that eHarmony is supposed to be more serious, and people are just as shallow.
I'm sick of being rejected, especially when I have to pay 120 dollars for three months of rejection. At least on PlentyofFish, I can be rejected, and not have to pay a dime. I just don't get why I'm not good enough for anyone. Yeah, I'm fat. Big whoop. But I would treat a girl like she could never imagine. Make her feel special, pretty, and like she is a princess...that is apparently what they don't want.
I think its so funny how my mind works, because after Megan and I broke up, very peacably in fact, I began to once again crush on all the girls who I am close friends with. Why? I don't know. I have some morbid internal sensor that automatically thinks a girl is interested just because they are close to me and nice to me...maybe because in the past a lot of girls won't give me the time of day. Hell, even at work, some of them won't...and all I am doing is saying "hi."
Am I really that unappealing?
With that thought, I have finally reached the 5th level: Acceptance. I'm past denial, anger, bargaining, and depression. I've finally accepted that I'm not going to find a girl based on how I want it to happen. I'm not going to randomly run in to her somewhere, and have her magically be attracted to me. I'm not going to find someone I can be compatible with on the internet...its full of the same shallow people who click off my profile just at the look of my 58 inch waist. The only way I can think of is to get people to get to know me...but by then, they all just want to be friends. Its a vicious, awful cycle. Something I can't win at...so I am going to stop fighting.
I mean, for God's sakes, I'm jealous of Prescott because he got to prose to his girlfriend, and they will be happy together, while I have to wallow in depression and the knowledge that I will be alone forever because Ruth Stone needs to die and can't let her daughter go because she herself isn't happy.
How is that fair to anyone?
I just want a hand to hold...and eyes to look back that tell me that holding hands is the best thing in the world right now.
...Someone to squeeze back...
I'm sorry for ranting, especially because it only makes me feel worse, because I finally put down how I feel. It makes me think more. Ugh.
Off to bed, if I can sleep tonight.
I have once again gone back to internet dating, and re-tried making an eHarmony profile, as I am not really looking for a date. I never have been. I have always been looking for a relationship, someone to hold, someone to hug goodbye and squeeze as hard as they can, and never let go because they don' want you to leave. Someone who can speak to you without using words...
It initially started pretty well. They use a guided communication system, which has four phases before you get to the regular e-mail portion of the communication (known as "open" communication). Also, if you don't think a person is a match, you can close a match, which will notify the person the other person wants to close the match, and requires a confirmation from the other party. Needless to say, my profile wasn't totally complete, but I was in communication with three separate girls, some close, some not...and the second I put pictures up of myself...all three had closed the match. That really hurt...I hate that eHarmony is supposed to be more serious, and people are just as shallow.
I'm sick of being rejected, especially when I have to pay 120 dollars for three months of rejection. At least on PlentyofFish, I can be rejected, and not have to pay a dime. I just don't get why I'm not good enough for anyone. Yeah, I'm fat. Big whoop. But I would treat a girl like she could never imagine. Make her feel special, pretty, and like she is a princess...that is apparently what they don't want.
I think its so funny how my mind works, because after Megan and I broke up, very peacably in fact, I began to once again crush on all the girls who I am close friends with. Why? I don't know. I have some morbid internal sensor that automatically thinks a girl is interested just because they are close to me and nice to me...maybe because in the past a lot of girls won't give me the time of day. Hell, even at work, some of them won't...and all I am doing is saying "hi."
Am I really that unappealing?
With that thought, I have finally reached the 5th level: Acceptance. I'm past denial, anger, bargaining, and depression. I've finally accepted that I'm not going to find a girl based on how I want it to happen. I'm not going to randomly run in to her somewhere, and have her magically be attracted to me. I'm not going to find someone I can be compatible with on the internet...its full of the same shallow people who click off my profile just at the look of my 58 inch waist. The only way I can think of is to get people to get to know me...but by then, they all just want to be friends. Its a vicious, awful cycle. Something I can't win at...so I am going to stop fighting.
I mean, for God's sakes, I'm jealous of Prescott because he got to prose to his girlfriend, and they will be happy together, while I have to wallow in depression and the knowledge that I will be alone forever because Ruth Stone needs to die and can't let her daughter go because she herself isn't happy.
How is that fair to anyone?
I just want a hand to hold...and eyes to look back that tell me that holding hands is the best thing in the world right now.
...Someone to squeeze back...
I'm sorry for ranting, especially because it only makes me feel worse, because I finally put down how I feel. It makes me think more. Ugh.
Off to bed, if I can sleep tonight.
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
Not Really Sure....
As the title suggests, I am in one of those times in my life where I have begun to doubt myself...on multiple fronts. It sucks, but it was bound to happen, and for it, I'm glad only a few people really read this...and they are all my closest friends and advisors in my life.
Alright crack team, here goes...
1.) Romance
So I have been having doubts about Megan and I being a match for like a week and a half now. I can't explain why now all of a sudden, or the exact reason. However, it seems like the spark is gone...almost like we both rushed in to this relationship a little too quickly. I feel crappy about it because she was really trying to avoid that, and I was to, yet we still rushed in to the relationship pretty quick.
Its weird because when we are more...intimate than other occasions, things seem fine, but other times things that go on just irk me to no end. Like how she incessantly has to poke, and how she can't give me a straight answer. "Maybe" as an answer was really cute for a little while, but its starting to drive me up a wall. I mean, even her laugh bothers me a little. I also don't think I like the fact that she isn't very girly...and is really stubborn about it. I don't know.
I feel so shallow and like an asshole for this stuff. Its like I betrayed Megan and led her on? Am I doing it? I feel awful and am completely clueless about what to do about it.
2.) Finances
Holy balls am I in debt. My loan payments on the 10 year plan are going to average about $964 a month.
Just a quick note, thats only the Sallie Mae Loans without compounded interest, or the other loans that are taken out. (That payments more like 1300 a month.)
I SO cannot afford either of those...FML.
3.) Homesickness
It is July 9th...and I just realized that I am not going back to school in August. That thought that I am forever stuck in my home scares the shit out of me. Mainly because as much as I like Wal-Mart...it doesn't cut it with my needs, and its like I'm in a dead end job. (Which I know is stupid because I just started there...whatever.)
I want my own place, I want privacy and independence again. I want to have my stuf...be MY stuff again. Not something people can and will just take for their own use or entertainment. I dunno. I feel so cramped in my house.
That's enough ranting for now...much to do.
Alright crack team, here goes...
1.) Romance
So I have been having doubts about Megan and I being a match for like a week and a half now. I can't explain why now all of a sudden, or the exact reason. However, it seems like the spark is gone...almost like we both rushed in to this relationship a little too quickly. I feel crappy about it because she was really trying to avoid that, and I was to, yet we still rushed in to the relationship pretty quick.
Its weird because when we are more...intimate than other occasions, things seem fine, but other times things that go on just irk me to no end. Like how she incessantly has to poke, and how she can't give me a straight answer. "Maybe" as an answer was really cute for a little while, but its starting to drive me up a wall. I mean, even her laugh bothers me a little. I also don't think I like the fact that she isn't very girly...and is really stubborn about it. I don't know.
I feel so shallow and like an asshole for this stuff. Its like I betrayed Megan and led her on? Am I doing it? I feel awful and am completely clueless about what to do about it.
2.) Finances
Holy balls am I in debt. My loan payments on the 10 year plan are going to average about $964 a month.
Just a quick note, thats only the Sallie Mae Loans without compounded interest, or the other loans that are taken out. (That payments more like 1300 a month.)
I SO cannot afford either of those...FML.
3.) Homesickness
It is July 9th...and I just realized that I am not going back to school in August. That thought that I am forever stuck in my home scares the shit out of me. Mainly because as much as I like Wal-Mart...it doesn't cut it with my needs, and its like I'm in a dead end job. (Which I know is stupid because I just started there...whatever.)
I want my own place, I want privacy and independence again. I want to have my stuf...be MY stuff again. Not something people can and will just take for their own use or entertainment. I dunno. I feel so cramped in my house.
That's enough ranting for now...much to do.
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