Weird Realizations of a "Free" Man

I have to admit, I really enjoy long drives by myself. Especially at night on the highway. I had the opportunity to be with my own thoughts with soft music playing in the background of the white noise of wind at 65 miles per hour. I got a chance to visit two of my best friends, Zack and Erin, as they began gearing up for the new school year, which gave me the ability to drive home at night, and these were some of the thoughts that I ran through:

First things first, it was great to see the two of them. I will admit that I am horrible at keeping in touch with people, and to actually be able to be in their presence and company was wonderful. I loved seeing them, chatting with them, and sharing a meal with them at Captain's Catch. However, I also felt this great divide between me and them, like the simple fact that I was "done" with college...at least, for the time being, changed things. That sucks. It wasn't something awful, but it seemed like I was in a totally different world then they were. I don't know how I feel about that.

On the subject of college: I realize now that Kerry, the break up, and the disastrous aftermath were not the only factors that led to my eventual drop-out. I...didn't want to be there. The University of New Haven was, in the end, a place I hated. Not because of the people (my friends are the best), but because it allowed me to get as bad as I was, and no one intervened. Yeah, it wasn't their job. But it made me think that someone would've noticed a student, one who is very active, etc. Falls off the face of the Earth, Withdraws from every single class for two semesters straight...you'd think someone would've found me and asked if things were alright. I think that is part of the reason I am so displeased with the school, and why I could never finish, even in the wake of better days. (This is beyond the point of the fact I didn't see a point, or care in the slightest. But I still believe this to be contributing factor.)

I also once again found myself thinking on the subject of relationships, and women. I find it strange that I have begun to think about Kerry again. I hope she is ok, because the fact of the matter is that I know the girl came out about as well as I did, and had a lot less support in terms of friends and such.

I found it ironic as I drove, listening to the radio, that our relationship is very similar to two songs by an artist that seemed to evolve as our relationship did: Kelly Clarkson. She sang "our song" at the time, which completely described us. Now, her newest single, "Already Gone," seems to describe our relationship even more as the end came drawing near. I just simply find it ironic, especially if you see Ms. Clarkson in the videos. In "A moment like this," she is juvenile, a teen, much like we were. She was optimistic, with big dreams in her eyes. In "Already Gone," she is older, seems wiser, and she looks learned, as if shes been through pain and disappointment.

These are just observations in the latest time frame, I don't want people to see these as cryptic messages for help. Iam most likely looking too far in to things, and work from there.

Until next time....Excelsior!

Acceptance.

I haven't blogged in a while, mainly because of work...and just a general desire to not rant about something. Truth is, these blogs have become mainly a release for me when I feel bad, or sad, or lonely. I recently have been doing a lot of fun things, like going to New Hampshire, and getting blitzed drunk. As weird as that sounds for me....I really feel like it was good. I needed time to literally forget, because as my last couple of blogs suggest, things kinda suck...and they still do, just they are a lot closer.

I have once again gone back to internet dating, and re-tried making an eHarmony profile, as I am not really looking for a date. I never have been. I have always been looking for a relationship, someone to hold, someone to hug goodbye and squeeze as hard as they can, and never let go because they don' want you to leave. Someone who can speak to you without using words...

It initially started pretty well. They use a guided communication system, which has four phases before you get to the regular e-mail portion of the communication (known as "open" communication). Also, if you don't think a person is a match, you can close a match, which will notify the person the other person wants to close the match, and requires a confirmation from the other party. Needless to say, my profile wasn't totally complete, but I was in communication with three separate girls, some close, some not...and the second I put pictures up of myself...all three had closed the match. That really hurt...I hate that eHarmony is supposed to be more serious, and people are just as shallow.

I'm sick of being rejected, especially when I have to pay 120 dollars for three months of rejection. At least on PlentyofFish, I can be rejected, and not have to pay a dime. I just don't get why I'm not good enough for anyone. Yeah, I'm fat. Big whoop. But I would treat a girl like she could never imagine. Make her feel special, pretty, and like she is a princess...that is apparently what they don't want.

I think its so funny how my mind works, because after Megan and I broke up, very peacably in fact, I began to once again crush on all the girls who I am close friends with. Why? I don't know. I have some morbid internal sensor that automatically thinks a girl is interested just because they are close to me and nice to me...maybe because in the past a lot of girls won't give me the time of day. Hell, even at work, some of them won't...and all I am doing is saying "hi."

Am I really that unappealing?

With that thought, I have finally reached the 5th level: Acceptance. I'm past denial, anger, bargaining, and depression. I've finally accepted that I'm not going to find a girl based on how I want it to happen. I'm not going to randomly run in to her somewhere, and have her magically be attracted to me. I'm not going to find someone I can be compatible with on the internet...its full of the same shallow people who click off my profile just at the look of my 58 inch waist. The only way I can think of is to get people to get to know me...but by then, they all just want to be friends. Its a vicious, awful cycle. Something I can't win at...so I am going to stop fighting.

I mean, for God's sakes, I'm jealous of Prescott because he got to prose to his girlfriend, and they will be happy together, while I have to wallow in depression and the knowledge that I will be alone forever because Ruth Stone needs to die and can't let her daughter go because she herself isn't happy.

How is that fair to anyone?

I just want a hand to hold...and eyes to look back that tell me that holding hands is the best thing in the world right now.

...Someone to squeeze back...

I'm sorry for ranting, especially because it only makes me feel worse, because I finally put down how I feel. It makes me think more. Ugh.

Off to bed, if I can sleep tonight.

Not Really Sure....

As the title suggests, I am in one of those times in my life where I have begun to doubt myself...on multiple fronts. It sucks, but it was bound to happen, and for it, I'm glad only a few people really read this...and they are all my closest friends and advisors in my life.

Alright crack team, here goes...

1.) Romance

So I have been having doubts about Megan and I being a match for like a week and a half now. I can't explain why now all of a sudden, or the exact reason. However, it seems like the spark is gone...almost like we both rushed in to this relationship a little too quickly. I feel crappy about it because she was really trying to avoid that, and I was to, yet we still rushed in to the relationship pretty quick.

Its weird because when we are more...intimate than other occasions, things seem fine, but other times things that go on just irk me to no end. Like how she incessantly has to poke, and how she can't give me a straight answer. "Maybe" as an answer was really cute for a little while, but its starting to drive me up a wall. I mean, even her laugh bothers me a little. I also don't think I like the fact that she isn't very girly...and is really stubborn about it. I don't know.

I feel so shallow and like an asshole for this stuff. Its like I betrayed Megan and led her on? Am I doing it? I feel awful and am completely clueless about what to do about it.

2.) Finances

Holy balls am I in debt. My loan payments on the 10 year plan are going to average about $964 a month.

Just a quick note, thats only the Sallie Mae Loans without compounded interest, or the other loans that are taken out. (That payments more like 1300 a month.)

I SO cannot afford either of those...FML.

3.) Homesickness

It is July 9th...and I just realized that I am not going back to school in August. That thought that I am forever stuck in my home scares the shit out of me. Mainly because as much as I like Wal-Mart...it doesn't cut it with my needs, and its like I'm in a dead end job. (Which I know is stupid because I just started there...whatever.)

I want my own place, I want privacy and independence again. I want to have my stuf...be MY stuff again. Not something people can and will just take for their own use or entertainment. I dunno. I feel so cramped in my house.



That's enough ranting for now...much to do.

WTF is with people?!?!?!

Seriously...

I just got back from my job at Wal-Mart. What the living hell is with people!?! I don't get it, why are people so rude and expectant of service. Today, I was yelled at, criticized, and lectured...not by my bosses, but by customers for various reasons.

My favorite was the lecture about working at such a globally recognizable store...and not being able to speak fluent Spanish. (Note: You're in AMERICA, learn fucking English lady if you want to go out in public!)

I'm not trying to be racist, but it always seems to be the black, Hispanic, and Indian people who are butting in, interrupting, and generally rude to the other customers when I am interacting with them. I don't know.

I'm going to bust some caps in virtual heads for a little bit before bed to let some steam loose.

Ugh, 9 hours tomorrow.

Sick and Tired

I don't know why, but I'm in a piss poor mood this evening. It is totally my family's fault too. I had a great first day at work. I loved Wal-Mart. It was a boatload of fun, and I learned a lot about a company that I could potentially work for, and reap great benefits.

I fucking hate my brother. All he does is grate in to me about things, mainly money, and rubs it in to my face how I basically fail at life. I understand that I fucked up, but its like every day that I am home is a constant reminder of how I couldn't finish school...and there is nothing I can do to fix it...mainly because I don't want to!

I'm so sick of this town. Suffield is just this great place to raise kids and be stupid and rich...I don't want to be here! I also, have no escape...no capital, no vehicle that is technically mine. I want to move to a dynamic place, a place that people are up at night and doing things, and there is stuff to do. Hell, the only thing that can keep me here right now is Megan.

I care about her a lot, and she would literally be the only force strong enough to keep me in Massachusetts/Northern Connecticut. I hate the fact that I have doubts simply because I over analyze things and am scared of missing things. I hate that I do that. I just feel like I am constantly setting myself up for failure recently. The last two years have been like that...I just want it to stop.

I'm really sick of drama right now. I get really really angry and sad that people are going through what they are going through. I'm angry because they don't deserve it. Their significant others don't deserve them, and they don't deserve to be treated like they are...but its like no one listens.

I just don't want to see any of my friends in such a poor situation. I just think that they all are going to end up hurt, distraught, crying...

plus, being all pissy doesn't help me writing this without any of my friends (yes, multiple) feeling like I'm singling them out. I'll always be there friend...I just....I just wish they could see what everyone else saw.

Don't wanna go home...

It is a weird feeling, packing up college life for the last time. How quickly things went by, how quickly things changed from good to bad to ugly and vice versa.

I go home tomorrow, and I really don't want to. I honestly don't think I can or will be as independent as I am right now until I can afford my own place. God knows when that is.

Target called me back the next day to cancel my interview. My other store had me marked as "unrehirable" and neither one could or would tell me why. (I love the corporate system).

Although, Best Buy called me the day after for a phone interview...and I haven't heard anything back. They said I would get something in the mail if they were not going to move forward with me. To be honest, I am expecting a letter when I get home, ugh.

I just want my EMT back and a job. That would make me happy right now. But, the job market sucks, and I have no idea when things are going to fix themselves on the EMT front. My main issue with that is that I would love to get a job in EMS but I need a certification first.

Oh well, back to packing. I have a lot of work to do, and I feel a little better after a quick vent.

Oh Tests

I took my EMT Practical exam on Saturday. Boy was I freaking nervous. I don't even know why really, just the atmosphere is kind of stiffling, not to mention the testing place was hot as balls too.

Either way, I had to prove through 6 separate stations that I know what I am doing as an EMT. It is one of those things that made me wonder why I let my certification go for so long...and why I let it lapse. I am never making that mistake again...the state test blows. Besides the fact to take both you need to shell out at least 100 dollars. Really? A C-note? Damn.

I realize now that I am really over-thinking things about my test, mainly because I think I probably failed every single station. I know that I didn't fail all the stations, but I definitely have my serious doubts about two of them, and moderate doubts about two more.

I think I might have failed the KED station because it was a little off center...also because my "observer" EMT partner acted like a special Olympian. I shouldn't say that...it probably would offend the Special Olympics. He didn't know what he was doing, and he couldn't even hold C-spine....even said "I don't know what I'm doing," and let go of the patient three times. If they fault me on that....I'm going to the State. Cuz that shit is ridiculous.

I have an idea I might fail the BVM station because I tried to insert an oral airway that was too big. Upon realizing it mid-insertion, I promptly removed it and added the correct sized one. The rest of the station seemed to go fine, just I don't know if that would have counted as delaying the deliverance of artificial ventilation.

As for the two stations that probably aren't a problem, but could be are the random station and the medical station. Random just seemed like it went by too quickly for me. I don't know, maybe it was just being nervous, but for all I know I might have missed something. I also fear that I did poorly in the Medical station simply because the instructor was a weird woman. I could not see her ever working in an EMS capacity. It boggled my mind.

Anyway, done with the rant.

I got a call back from Target in Windsor today about a job! They want to set up an interview for Thursday for possibly the backroom or as a cashier. I honestly don't care about the job, just that I have a job. I remember working for Target before and disliking it, but I think that only had to do with the fact that I was part time and felt like I was getting the short end of the stick.

I'm excited about the prospect of a full time job when I get out of college. Here's for high hopes.