So, I'm kinda falling apart as Spring Break comes to a close. I hate this feeling, I had it so long ago, when Kerry and I were in dire straits...feels like the world is collapsing in on me.
I don't know what to do. I've tried for 5 days to tell my parents I'm not graduatiing, that I don't want to, that the thing I want most in the world is to ride ambulances, make a difference in people's lives.
But I can't. I get too caught up in the moment, just like they do, and we fight and yell about stupid things that don't matter. Then the fight ends without anything being accomplished and nothing conveyed as it should be. I am trying to not be blunt with them...I feel like they want me to "succeed" as much as I do. They just don't understand.
Sometimes, I think they only care about the money aspect, and they will question this fifth year if I don't complete it. I never told them about the deep depression I went in to after the break-up. Some of the counselors likened it to grieving for someone who passed away who was very close to me. I honestly think they would get mad at me for wasting time on wallowing in sorrow over Kerry. Hell, I'm ashamed of it.
I don't like the fact I completely fell apart, that I became this worthless lump afterwards. It cost me so much...they have no idea, and I'm sure a lot of my readers have no idea...but still. I'm not proud of what happened to me, and how I am now looked upon by professors, administrators, and other students...like I can't cut it. Granted, I brought this upon myself, I know that...I just...
I want my life to be happy and optimistic and on track again. I had a random, awful nightmare last night. Kerry was dating some other guy...and it just bothered me. I don't know why. But there was that typical nightmare lighting and noise throughout the entire thing. I woke up in a cold sweat, and I can't figure it out. I haven't had a nightmare in years.
Ugh...what am I gonna do?
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