Sick and Tired

I don't know why, but I'm in a piss poor mood this evening. It is totally my family's fault too. I had a great first day at work. I loved Wal-Mart. It was a boatload of fun, and I learned a lot about a company that I could potentially work for, and reap great benefits.

I fucking hate my brother. All he does is grate in to me about things, mainly money, and rubs it in to my face how I basically fail at life. I understand that I fucked up, but its like every day that I am home is a constant reminder of how I couldn't finish school...and there is nothing I can do to fix it...mainly because I don't want to!

I'm so sick of this town. Suffield is just this great place to raise kids and be stupid and rich...I don't want to be here! I also, have no escape...no capital, no vehicle that is technically mine. I want to move to a dynamic place, a place that people are up at night and doing things, and there is stuff to do. Hell, the only thing that can keep me here right now is Megan.

I care about her a lot, and she would literally be the only force strong enough to keep me in Massachusetts/Northern Connecticut. I hate the fact that I have doubts simply because I over analyze things and am scared of missing things. I hate that I do that. I just feel like I am constantly setting myself up for failure recently. The last two years have been like that...I just want it to stop.

I'm really sick of drama right now. I get really really angry and sad that people are going through what they are going through. I'm angry because they don't deserve it. Their significant others don't deserve them, and they don't deserve to be treated like they are...but its like no one listens.

I just don't want to see any of my friends in such a poor situation. I just think that they all are going to end up hurt, distraught, crying...

plus, being all pissy doesn't help me writing this without any of my friends (yes, multiple) feeling like I'm singling them out. I'll always be there friend...I just....I just wish they could see what everyone else saw.

Don't wanna go home...

It is a weird feeling, packing up college life for the last time. How quickly things went by, how quickly things changed from good to bad to ugly and vice versa.

I go home tomorrow, and I really don't want to. I honestly don't think I can or will be as independent as I am right now until I can afford my own place. God knows when that is.

Target called me back the next day to cancel my interview. My other store had me marked as "unrehirable" and neither one could or would tell me why. (I love the corporate system).

Although, Best Buy called me the day after for a phone interview...and I haven't heard anything back. They said I would get something in the mail if they were not going to move forward with me. To be honest, I am expecting a letter when I get home, ugh.

I just want my EMT back and a job. That would make me happy right now. But, the job market sucks, and I have no idea when things are going to fix themselves on the EMT front. My main issue with that is that I would love to get a job in EMS but I need a certification first.

Oh well, back to packing. I have a lot of work to do, and I feel a little better after a quick vent.

Oh Tests

I took my EMT Practical exam on Saturday. Boy was I freaking nervous. I don't even know why really, just the atmosphere is kind of stiffling, not to mention the testing place was hot as balls too.

Either way, I had to prove through 6 separate stations that I know what I am doing as an EMT. It is one of those things that made me wonder why I let my certification go for so long...and why I let it lapse. I am never making that mistake again...the state test blows. Besides the fact to take both you need to shell out at least 100 dollars. Really? A C-note? Damn.

I realize now that I am really over-thinking things about my test, mainly because I think I probably failed every single station. I know that I didn't fail all the stations, but I definitely have my serious doubts about two of them, and moderate doubts about two more.

I think I might have failed the KED station because it was a little off center...also because my "observer" EMT partner acted like a special Olympian. I shouldn't say that...it probably would offend the Special Olympics. He didn't know what he was doing, and he couldn't even hold C-spine....even said "I don't know what I'm doing," and let go of the patient three times. If they fault me on that....I'm going to the State. Cuz that shit is ridiculous.

I have an idea I might fail the BVM station because I tried to insert an oral airway that was too big. Upon realizing it mid-insertion, I promptly removed it and added the correct sized one. The rest of the station seemed to go fine, just I don't know if that would have counted as delaying the deliverance of artificial ventilation.

As for the two stations that probably aren't a problem, but could be are the random station and the medical station. Random just seemed like it went by too quickly for me. I don't know, maybe it was just being nervous, but for all I know I might have missed something. I also fear that I did poorly in the Medical station simply because the instructor was a weird woman. I could not see her ever working in an EMS capacity. It boggled my mind.

Anyway, done with the rant.

I got a call back from Target in Windsor today about a job! They want to set up an interview for Thursday for possibly the backroom or as a cashier. I honestly don't care about the job, just that I have a job. I remember working for Target before and disliking it, but I think that only had to do with the fact that I was part time and felt like I was getting the short end of the stick.

I'm excited about the prospect of a full time job when I get out of college. Here's for high hopes.

Weekends that make us and break us.

This weekend was great...and bad at the same time!

I got to do a lot of work for the concert. It was by far the best concert I've been to at UNH, the bands were great, set up and hanging out were fun...and I thoroughly enjoyed myself. The car accident with glenn on the other hand....could have been not as real as it actually was.

Its my own damn fault anyway, w/e...I had a panic attack today freaking out about how my mom would react...which is exactly the reason why I'm telling my dad first. I hate that my mom gets these reactions going in me...especially because I always feel like I have to lie to her, just to prolong the feeling that things are ok. She has her opinions, like that I suck at driving, that will never leave her head...no matter what I do. I don't know, sometimes I think my dad can be my biggest fan, and my mom can be my harshest critic. Ugh.

On the positive, Meg came to visit for the Carnival! Saturday was absolutely amazing...spending 14 hours with her made everything about the other days seem so worth it. I'm completely falling in love with her, I can feel it. I've never had anyone make me feel like this so quickly. She has already given me specific dates in the next month I need to keep open for events...including her graduation. I'm kind of excited to meet her parents. According to Meg, they seem excited to meet me too.

Sunday is still up in the air...this panic attack has me really worried about things in life again...like a job and supporting myself. I want to be able to get a job and be successful. It doesn't matter where anymore.

It seems my life is picking up however. I have another amazing girl in my life...not that that deters any of the other amazing women in my life. Just, she gives me that smile, that look...that tells me that when she's with me, she would rather be no where else. That, and the fact that she can say five words to me that completely blow me away and leave me speechless...again and again.

Oh boy...I'm so freaking in love.

Shlalalalala My oh my...

I just got back from Chicopee Massachusetts. Where I may or may not have met Megan, and her friends for the first time.

She may or may not have told me she likes me back...

...and I may or may not have kissed her.

She may or may not have kissed back...seven times.

That is all, I don't think this smile is going to leave mt face for a LONG time.

I'm Walking on Sunshine....Whoooaa!

I've been in the most amazing of moods lately, and the majority, if not all the people who subscribe to this blog know why.

The simple story is I met a girl. But that story isn't nearly as fulfilling is it? Here's the long end of it:

I have been doing the Internet dating thing for a while now, at least since the beginning of the semester. It started with Soulgeek.com, but that hasn't really turned up anything. So, at the suggestion of my good friend Lexiophile, I checked out Plentyoffish.com. They are supposedly larger, and freer, than the big websites.

Fact of the matter was, Internet being a nerd's domain or not, I wasn't having a lot of luck with either site, and I was getting rather discouraged by this development. Fact was: it sucked hardcore. Out of all the girls I had messaged or did the stupid "wink" thing (when you don't have the money/are too cheap to pay) I had one get back to me. ONE! Needless to say, not good jewjew for Tim.

So I come back to school on Sunday from a typical (boring, standard, etc) Easter with my mom's side of the family. I had an e-mail, from a girl on POF. She wanted to chat. We ended up chatting for the rest of the day essentially. Today, Tuesday, we've chatted for like 4 hours.

The fact is, she doesn't want to rush in to anything. Which she has made very clear, and it is something I completely plan on respecting. She wants to be friends before she jumps in to anything, as she has had some very poor incidents in the past. I'm just glad she likes chatting with me. It has done wonders!

Truth be told, we have a lot of differences, her and I. But as time goes on (yes I know its been 3 days) I really like the idea that at some point, I could hold her hand, or she could be the cuddling type. If you have read my thoughts before on the subject...well, you know how I am definitely a fan.

So for now, I'm going to take things slow with Meg. See how the wind blows. For now, I'm walking on Sunshine.

I'm just a little too not over you...

I've been pondering a lot about my relationship woes recently, for the majority of this week to be more exact. Kerry's birthday was on Thursday which just kind of brought this all about.

I'm not over her, and I don't know what to do about it. I just want to be loved. To just hear those words, directed at me, and not in the sense of like "best friends."

Honestly...Like 20-30 people have rejected me, via ignoring anything i send them, through the internet dating sites. I have had one girl say yes. ONE. I loved her with every inch of my being...and she's gone. A victim of circumstance and my ability not to just cave in.

So now I'm alone and all I can't think about anything but her. It's been more than a year since we broke up.


Fuck my life.