I feel another makeout session with the porcelain god coming soon so I will be brief:
I fucking hate food right now, and I want to die. That is all.
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Sunday, January 25, 2009
Resolutions and Renewals continued...
I started yesterday about my New Year's Resolutions. Personally, i think that they are some pretty decent resolutions for the next year. I will keep them. I promised my loyal readers some more about my decisions as of late, and they will follow below. My first big revelation is on my love life and how relationships are going to occur for me.
I love Kerry. There are no ways around it. I am still very much in love with my ex-girlfriend. Why? I don't find it that hard to explain, simply because when we broke up, it wasn't under the "normal" break up standards. The fact is, we still loved each other when we drifted apart and broke up, it was an outside force, her scaly bitch of a mother, the tore our relationship to ribbons. I guess that is why I'm not surprised that she told me she loves me back. So easy fix, right?
Wrong. We love each other, but she isn't ready for any relationship at this point, even with me. Which, frankly, kinda sucks. But, it isn't like I expected her to be like "I love you, now let's forget that the last 2 years happened and everything is hunky dory." I just wish that sometimes life was more simple...and love could be the thing that dictated who you were with, not other people in their life. But anyway, there is some good news to come out of this.
After two years of moping, crying, and generally losing my mind because my life was...at the time...falling apart, I have begun the serious healing process. I found out how Kerry felt. I think I just needed to know she felt something. It let me move on. But, I'm not going to go looking for love. I want it to find me. The main problem is that I would turn every smile, every kind gesture, every hug in to something more serious than it actually was...and that would always lead to heartbreak, loneliness, and a new bought with depression.
But that is behind me. I am ready to take the bull by the horns and do what has to be done in order to get my goals accomplished. Which brings me to my next topic: my life goals.
When I was a Freshman, I wanted to be the second, white Henry Lee. That goal had lived with me for most of my college career, until i began looking in to more hard science ventures in to the world of Chemistry: getting a graduate degree/ Ph. D, etc. Funny thing is, I don't want to do any of that. I want to go back to my deepest love, in terms of professions: medicine.
Being an EMT-B in CT was the most rewarding experience of my life. Knowing that as a human being, I held people's lives, limbs (literally and figuratively), and futures in my hands, bringing them back from the brink of chaos and death. I did that! Plus, lights and sirens driving is pretty amazing.
I decided that, ironically like my 6th grade career day, I want to be a pharmacist. Study to gain my Pharm. D, to become a Doctor of Pharmacy. It is the perfect meld of my passions: medicine and chemistry! I have always been fascinated by pharmaceuticals and how they are used to treat patients effectively.
I am looking in to transferring to the UCONN School of Pharmacy at some point to obtain this degree, but I need to look in to my current academic options. As of right now, I only carry over certain prerequsites for the 2 "pre-professional" years before the 4 years of "professional" training. I would have to go to UCONN as an Undergrad for a semester at least, a year at most before starting the additional 4 years.
My plan is to talk to my parents, talk to Professor Palmbach, and figure out my options. Possibly drop my Bachelor Degrees and replace them with Associate's Degrees, and take classes that would count towards the pre-professional years at UCONN. I hope everything works out, I need it to prevent myself from getting our of "college" at the age of 27. Granted, some Ph. D students finish around that time, and that would keep me on track, but by other standards...if I had just known what I wanted to do in the first place and went to UCONN, I would be done after next year. Working as a 23 year old pharmacist.
I have a great journey, an adventure, ahead of me. The objectives will be painful and tasking on my body, my emotions, and my intelligence. I WILL suceed. Failure isn't an option, and I have amazing people who won't allow me to fail.
"United we stand; Divided we fall."
I love Kerry. There are no ways around it. I am still very much in love with my ex-girlfriend. Why? I don't find it that hard to explain, simply because when we broke up, it wasn't under the "normal" break up standards. The fact is, we still loved each other when we drifted apart and broke up, it was an outside force, her scaly bitch of a mother, the tore our relationship to ribbons. I guess that is why I'm not surprised that she told me she loves me back. So easy fix, right?
Wrong. We love each other, but she isn't ready for any relationship at this point, even with me. Which, frankly, kinda sucks. But, it isn't like I expected her to be like "I love you, now let's forget that the last 2 years happened and everything is hunky dory." I just wish that sometimes life was more simple...and love could be the thing that dictated who you were with, not other people in their life. But anyway, there is some good news to come out of this.
After two years of moping, crying, and generally losing my mind because my life was...at the time...falling apart, I have begun the serious healing process. I found out how Kerry felt. I think I just needed to know she felt something. It let me move on. But, I'm not going to go looking for love. I want it to find me. The main problem is that I would turn every smile, every kind gesture, every hug in to something more serious than it actually was...and that would always lead to heartbreak, loneliness, and a new bought with depression.
But that is behind me. I am ready to take the bull by the horns and do what has to be done in order to get my goals accomplished. Which brings me to my next topic: my life goals.
When I was a Freshman, I wanted to be the second, white Henry Lee. That goal had lived with me for most of my college career, until i began looking in to more hard science ventures in to the world of Chemistry: getting a graduate degree/ Ph. D, etc. Funny thing is, I don't want to do any of that. I want to go back to my deepest love, in terms of professions: medicine.
Being an EMT-B in CT was the most rewarding experience of my life. Knowing that as a human being, I held people's lives, limbs (literally and figuratively), and futures in my hands, bringing them back from the brink of chaos and death. I did that! Plus, lights and sirens driving is pretty amazing.
I decided that, ironically like my 6th grade career day, I want to be a pharmacist. Study to gain my Pharm. D, to become a Doctor of Pharmacy. It is the perfect meld of my passions: medicine and chemistry! I have always been fascinated by pharmaceuticals and how they are used to treat patients effectively.
I am looking in to transferring to the UCONN School of Pharmacy at some point to obtain this degree, but I need to look in to my current academic options. As of right now, I only carry over certain prerequsites for the 2 "pre-professional" years before the 4 years of "professional" training. I would have to go to UCONN as an Undergrad for a semester at least, a year at most before starting the additional 4 years.
My plan is to talk to my parents, talk to Professor Palmbach, and figure out my options. Possibly drop my Bachelor Degrees and replace them with Associate's Degrees, and take classes that would count towards the pre-professional years at UCONN. I hope everything works out, I need it to prevent myself from getting our of "college" at the age of 27. Granted, some Ph. D students finish around that time, and that would keep me on track, but by other standards...if I had just known what I wanted to do in the first place and went to UCONN, I would be done after next year. Working as a 23 year old pharmacist.
I have a great journey, an adventure, ahead of me. The objectives will be painful and tasking on my body, my emotions, and my intelligence. I WILL suceed. Failure isn't an option, and I have amazing people who won't allow me to fail.
"United we stand; Divided we fall."
Saturday, January 24, 2009
Dawn Breaks on a New Year, and New Opportunities.
The year 2009 has descended upon us, and it is time for me to grow up.
I have been in a bad place for over a year and a half...and now things have changed. I have purpose in life again, I have goals and dreams. The path before me will be arduous and challenging, but I am ready. I have my friends behind me, and I know they will support me whatever I do.
I have made a list of New Year's Resolutions, and I plan on keeping every single one of them. I hope that as my friends and faithful readers, you help me hold them true, and if I break one...get me on the right track.
NEW YEARS RESOLUTIONS:
1. Be open and honest. (I have been too secretive about things in my life up until now.) I will now allow my friends in to my life, even if it is too painful or I feel like a burden.
2. I want to lose weight. I used to think that I wouldn't find someone who truly loves for who you are unless I was still big. But, I figure that now...it doesn't hurt to be more fit. *This is something I need help in doing...especially exercise and diet stuff.*
3. I am going to stop actively looking for love. I have realized that in being intent on finding love, I see it in every kind gesture and minor flirt. This is especially bad, as I am a big flirty person. I am going to let things happen as they are supposed to...no forcing it anymore.
4. I'm going to spend more time with my friends. Whether that means being on campus more, working harder to get them to my place, or just simply keeping in touch...I want to do it and do it better. *This is something I want my friends to keep me good with...*
That is all I really have time for right now. I have more stuff about relationship thoughts and my future career goals...but they will have to come later. I have much to prepare for in my 13 hour day tomorrow. I will leave, however, with a quote that I think is appropriate for my state of mind on some things right now.
"Cause everyone wants to feel like someone cares
Someone to love with my life in their hands
There's gotta be somebody for me like that
Cause nobody wants to do it all on their own
And everyone wants to know the night alone
There's somebody else that feels the same somewhere
There's gotta be somebody for me out there"
- Gotta Be Somebody, Nickelback
I have been in a bad place for over a year and a half...and now things have changed. I have purpose in life again, I have goals and dreams. The path before me will be arduous and challenging, but I am ready. I have my friends behind me, and I know they will support me whatever I do.
I have made a list of New Year's Resolutions, and I plan on keeping every single one of them. I hope that as my friends and faithful readers, you help me hold them true, and if I break one...get me on the right track.
NEW YEARS RESOLUTIONS:
1. Be open and honest. (I have been too secretive about things in my life up until now.) I will now allow my friends in to my life, even if it is too painful or I feel like a burden.
2. I want to lose weight. I used to think that I wouldn't find someone who truly loves for who you are unless I was still big. But, I figure that now...it doesn't hurt to be more fit. *This is something I need help in doing...especially exercise and diet stuff.*
3. I am going to stop actively looking for love. I have realized that in being intent on finding love, I see it in every kind gesture and minor flirt. This is especially bad, as I am a big flirty person. I am going to let things happen as they are supposed to...no forcing it anymore.
4. I'm going to spend more time with my friends. Whether that means being on campus more, working harder to get them to my place, or just simply keeping in touch...I want to do it and do it better. *This is something I want my friends to keep me good with...*
That is all I really have time for right now. I have more stuff about relationship thoughts and my future career goals...but they will have to come later. I have much to prepare for in my 13 hour day tomorrow. I will leave, however, with a quote that I think is appropriate for my state of mind on some things right now.
"Cause everyone wants to feel like someone cares
Someone to love with my life in their hands
There's gotta be somebody for me like that
Cause nobody wants to do it all on their own
And everyone wants to know the night alone
There's somebody else that feels the same somewhere
There's gotta be somebody for me out there"
- Gotta Be Somebody, Nickelback
Friday, December 26, 2008
A Brand New Day
Christmas went really well, despite my original worries of it being a repeat of last year. (Side note : I got batman pajamas woo!) It has given me a lot of new hope about the coming year and the coming semester, and I feel as if I have finally been able to shed off some of this worry and grief I have been holding on to.
That gives me a lot of hope.
I was in my room the other day looking through some old stuff, and I came across some old UNH Yearbooks. The one from 2007 caught my eye because I had a lot of friends in that class, and their senior year I would easily consider being one of my best years. I also had this massive crush on a girl from that class. It wasn't anything that affected my relationship, but it was one of those things that I saw myself working out with her if I wasn't currently happy in a relationship. That's not important, but continuing on...
The President of the USGA at the time was a big influence on me. I really believed in him, and when I reread his words in the yearbook, something struck me. It was scary how pertinant it was to me. It was a quote from Helen Keller:
"When one door of happiness closes, another opens: but iften we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us."
Scary, huh?
I've decided I'm done staring at my closed door. I'm going to look in to the hallway, find my new open door and dive in! I'm ready to jump start my life again...here goes nothing.
That gives me a lot of hope.
I was in my room the other day looking through some old stuff, and I came across some old UNH Yearbooks. The one from 2007 caught my eye because I had a lot of friends in that class, and their senior year I would easily consider being one of my best years. I also had this massive crush on a girl from that class. It wasn't anything that affected my relationship, but it was one of those things that I saw myself working out with her if I wasn't currently happy in a relationship. That's not important, but continuing on...
The President of the USGA at the time was a big influence on me. I really believed in him, and when I reread his words in the yearbook, something struck me. It was scary how pertinant it was to me. It was a quote from Helen Keller:
"When one door of happiness closes, another opens: but iften we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us."
Scary, huh?
I've decided I'm done staring at my closed door. I'm going to look in to the hallway, find my new open door and dive in! I'm ready to jump start my life again...here goes nothing.
Explanations
First, I need to publish a disclaimer about my last post. I did not mean to hurt anyone or make anyone feel bad about the words that I posted. I was sad, lonely, and expressive...a lethal combination. I wrote what was on my mind at the time, without editing, or time to review what was written. I don't feel that way all the time, it has usually been for about 3 or 4 hours once in a random while. Only difference being...it came out in this blog.
I want to thank everyone who was concerned about me...it really does mean a lot. I am really, truly appreciative for what I have...I think, sometimes I don't know if I appreciate my friends enough. Either way...thank you, especially bffl. Sometimes I just need you to set me striaght when I'm being really stupid.
Yesterday was Christmas...and I dreaded it. Christmas last year was absolutely awful, and I was really scared that things were going to mirrror that. The fact that I was wrong made me very happy. All in all, I had a good holiday.
I want to thank everyone who was concerned about me...it really does mean a lot. I am really, truly appreciative for what I have...I think, sometimes I don't know if I appreciate my friends enough. Either way...thank you, especially bffl. Sometimes I just need you to set me striaght when I'm being really stupid.
Yesterday was Christmas...and I dreaded it. Christmas last year was absolutely awful, and I was really scared that things were going to mirrror that. The fact that I was wrong made me very happy. All in all, I had a good holiday.
Monday, December 15, 2008
The Endless Charade
I don't know why I'm putting this out now...or why I broke down to putting this in to words...but I am.
Since May 20th, 2007 I have been a mess. Destroyed emotionally, mentally, and physically. I have no drive, no desires, no dreams. I have become bitter, pessimistic, and an overall antisocial jerk. I hate people who are in a relationship...even a little bit...just because they can have what "God" denied me. What happened to me?
You know what?...I still love her, with every atom in my existence, every ounce of my being. I still think about her everyday and cry, just a little. Maybe 10 minutes or so, but I am still basically grieving the loss of someone...someone I didn't have to lose. Why did I have to ask her mother that day? Why did I have to completely lose it afterward? Hindsight says I could have prevented the destruction, but I sat on the sidelines and let it happen.
I'm not looking for sympathy, I don't really deserve it. Besides, I hate people being whiny and bitchy just looking for attention. I...just need to get my feelings out. The people I normally tell these things to have their own issues going on right now. The last thing they need is my continuing drama in their lives. But its still there, and they don't even know the half of it.
That's my charade. I'm not ok. I'm an emotional wreck, and nothing matter to me anymore. I would rather play World of Warcraft than do work for school, because school reminds me of Kerry. I had planned an entire life around getting my collegiate education, a good job, and raising a family. Hell, I still have the engagement ring I bought for her...
I'm secretly hoping this is all a horrible nightmare, and I'm going to wake up. I really hope I wake up soon.
...because I, I....................................
I can't bear the thought of losing that hope; that one day, she is going to wear that ring that took me close to 15 hours total in the jewelry store to pick out so it would be perfect.
That is my secret, my charade. It ends now. I'm sick of being cheerful when I feel like I'm dying inside. I'm sick of being alone....and being lonely. I just want someone who can hold my hand...and squeeze back.
That's what I miss the most. Holding hands. Soft touches. Putting my hand by her cheek and having her move in to my palm...with so much love and care. I would give absolutely anything to get that back.
The worst part of it all...is we didn't break up because I treated her like crap, or because she was cheating on me. Nothing like that. In fact, May 19th, 2007 in to the wee hours of the morning of May 20th, may have been some of the fondest memories I have of our relationship together.
It was because of an outside force. A force that split us, and sided us against one another...
I could slander that force, but I have been there and done that. That's not important. I just want my life back, my spirit, my drive. Its been 574 days since my relationship began to crumble, and 305 dyas since she officially left me.
I've been miserable for over a year and a half of my life, and I don't know how to fix it.
Since May 20th, 2007 I have been a mess. Destroyed emotionally, mentally, and physically. I have no drive, no desires, no dreams. I have become bitter, pessimistic, and an overall antisocial jerk. I hate people who are in a relationship...even a little bit...just because they can have what "God" denied me. What happened to me?
You know what?...I still love her, with every atom in my existence, every ounce of my being. I still think about her everyday and cry, just a little. Maybe 10 minutes or so, but I am still basically grieving the loss of someone...someone I didn't have to lose. Why did I have to ask her mother that day? Why did I have to completely lose it afterward? Hindsight says I could have prevented the destruction, but I sat on the sidelines and let it happen.
I'm not looking for sympathy, I don't really deserve it. Besides, I hate people being whiny and bitchy just looking for attention. I...just need to get my feelings out. The people I normally tell these things to have their own issues going on right now. The last thing they need is my continuing drama in their lives. But its still there, and they don't even know the half of it.
That's my charade. I'm not ok. I'm an emotional wreck, and nothing matter to me anymore. I would rather play World of Warcraft than do work for school, because school reminds me of Kerry. I had planned an entire life around getting my collegiate education, a good job, and raising a family. Hell, I still have the engagement ring I bought for her...
I'm secretly hoping this is all a horrible nightmare, and I'm going to wake up. I really hope I wake up soon.
...because I, I....................................
I can't bear the thought of losing that hope; that one day, she is going to wear that ring that took me close to 15 hours total in the jewelry store to pick out so it would be perfect.
That is my secret, my charade. It ends now. I'm sick of being cheerful when I feel like I'm dying inside. I'm sick of being alone....and being lonely. I just want someone who can hold my hand...and squeeze back.
That's what I miss the most. Holding hands. Soft touches. Putting my hand by her cheek and having her move in to my palm...with so much love and care. I would give absolutely anything to get that back.
The worst part of it all...is we didn't break up because I treated her like crap, or because she was cheating on me. Nothing like that. In fact, May 19th, 2007 in to the wee hours of the morning of May 20th, may have been some of the fondest memories I have of our relationship together.
It was because of an outside force. A force that split us, and sided us against one another...
I could slander that force, but I have been there and done that. That's not important. I just want my life back, my spirit, my drive. Its been 574 days since my relationship began to crumble, and 305 dyas since she officially left me.
I've been miserable for over a year and a half of my life, and I don't know how to fix it.
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
So...I've never blogged before.
This is a weird experience, to say the least.
The idea of writing about yourself, or what you feel or believe for other people to read...it seems foreign to me. But, you aren't reading this to hear me gripe about blogging, am I right? Or are you?
Well, as for me...I am pretty simple. My name is Tim. I am 22, and I attend a University in Connecticut. I am a fifth year senior...I should have graduated by now. I am single, which is weird to say because I am not used to it. My girlfriend, wait, ex-girlfriend and I broke up in February of this year (on the 13th no less) after 5 yearsm 7 months and a day. After that...I haven't been the same.
I don't have the motivation to do anything, nor do I care about anything that could seem mildly important to the rest of my life (like attending/passing classes). I think I'm scared to graduate. Yeah, the real world is scary as hell, and I love it here. I'm SOMEBODY here. Out there...who the hell am I?
Who knows? Maybe I am just being stupid and paranoid. I should get some sleep, I have class early tomorrow.
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