Weekends that make us and break us.

This weekend was great...and bad at the same time!

I got to do a lot of work for the concert. It was by far the best concert I've been to at UNH, the bands were great, set up and hanging out were fun...and I thoroughly enjoyed myself. The car accident with glenn on the other hand....could have been not as real as it actually was.

Its my own damn fault anyway, w/e...I had a panic attack today freaking out about how my mom would react...which is exactly the reason why I'm telling my dad first. I hate that my mom gets these reactions going in me...especially because I always feel like I have to lie to her, just to prolong the feeling that things are ok. She has her opinions, like that I suck at driving, that will never leave her head...no matter what I do. I don't know, sometimes I think my dad can be my biggest fan, and my mom can be my harshest critic. Ugh.

On the positive, Meg came to visit for the Carnival! Saturday was absolutely amazing...spending 14 hours with her made everything about the other days seem so worth it. I'm completely falling in love with her, I can feel it. I've never had anyone make me feel like this so quickly. She has already given me specific dates in the next month I need to keep open for events...including her graduation. I'm kind of excited to meet her parents. According to Meg, they seem excited to meet me too.

Sunday is still up in the air...this panic attack has me really worried about things in life again...like a job and supporting myself. I want to be able to get a job and be successful. It doesn't matter where anymore.

It seems my life is picking up however. I have another amazing girl in my life...not that that deters any of the other amazing women in my life. Just, she gives me that smile, that look...that tells me that when she's with me, she would rather be no where else. That, and the fact that she can say five words to me that completely blow me away and leave me speechless...again and again.

Oh boy...I'm so freaking in love.

Shlalalalala My oh my...

I just got back from Chicopee Massachusetts. Where I may or may not have met Megan, and her friends for the first time.

She may or may not have told me she likes me back...

...and I may or may not have kissed her.

She may or may not have kissed back...seven times.

That is all, I don't think this smile is going to leave mt face for a LONG time.

I'm Walking on Sunshine....Whoooaa!

I've been in the most amazing of moods lately, and the majority, if not all the people who subscribe to this blog know why.

The simple story is I met a girl. But that story isn't nearly as fulfilling is it? Here's the long end of it:

I have been doing the Internet dating thing for a while now, at least since the beginning of the semester. It started with Soulgeek.com, but that hasn't really turned up anything. So, at the suggestion of my good friend Lexiophile, I checked out Plentyoffish.com. They are supposedly larger, and freer, than the big websites.

Fact of the matter was, Internet being a nerd's domain or not, I wasn't having a lot of luck with either site, and I was getting rather discouraged by this development. Fact was: it sucked hardcore. Out of all the girls I had messaged or did the stupid "wink" thing (when you don't have the money/are too cheap to pay) I had one get back to me. ONE! Needless to say, not good jewjew for Tim.

So I come back to school on Sunday from a typical (boring, standard, etc) Easter with my mom's side of the family. I had an e-mail, from a girl on POF. She wanted to chat. We ended up chatting for the rest of the day essentially. Today, Tuesday, we've chatted for like 4 hours.

The fact is, she doesn't want to rush in to anything. Which she has made very clear, and it is something I completely plan on respecting. She wants to be friends before she jumps in to anything, as she has had some very poor incidents in the past. I'm just glad she likes chatting with me. It has done wonders!

Truth be told, we have a lot of differences, her and I. But as time goes on (yes I know its been 3 days) I really like the idea that at some point, I could hold her hand, or she could be the cuddling type. If you have read my thoughts before on the subject...well, you know how I am definitely a fan.

So for now, I'm going to take things slow with Meg. See how the wind blows. For now, I'm walking on Sunshine.

I'm just a little too not over you...

I've been pondering a lot about my relationship woes recently, for the majority of this week to be more exact. Kerry's birthday was on Thursday which just kind of brought this all about.

I'm not over her, and I don't know what to do about it. I just want to be loved. To just hear those words, directed at me, and not in the sense of like "best friends."

Honestly...Like 20-30 people have rejected me, via ignoring anything i send them, through the internet dating sites. I have had one girl say yes. ONE. I loved her with every inch of my being...and she's gone. A victim of circumstance and my ability not to just cave in.

So now I'm alone and all I can't think about anything but her. It's been more than a year since we broke up.


Fuck my life.

Frank Sinatra sent us there!

Woot NYC! Wooooot Mimi's!

should be I went to New York with Erin, Zack, and Dan. I needed this trip more than even I realized. It seemed like everybody did, they were completing some rough weeks. As always, it was an amazing trip and I think that our semesterly trip to the Big Apple for some high quality Italian food and conversation made in to a reoccurring phenomenon, regardless of where we are.

I really enjoy being in the company of this group, as we always manage to have fun, come up with a new inside joke, and have some meaningful conversation about our lives, our issues, and our triumphs. Honestly, if we could have everyday be yesterday, I wouldn't mind it in the least.

It was really nice to see that we all had out our triumphs to celebrate. Zack and Erin were celebrating the fact that they pretty much are the Editor and Assistant Editor, respectively, of the Charger Bulletin next year. Dan was celebrating becoming Ivy League (like he wasn't...lol) and getting accepted to Dartmouth. I originally didn't have anything to celebrate, but I walked all over NYC and wasn't our of breath, wasn't tired, wasn't anything. My diets working, and I have more energy and stamina than ever before. I was very happy.

One such conversation we had on our way back from New York was about religion. I personally am not religious, and I do not criticize or look down on those who believe in a religion. It isn't to say I don't have faith, but i just find that the whole idea that so many people need things, or have learned to need things, to believe in eludes my comprehension. It doesn't mean my lack of religious "faith" hasn't come to bite me. I had potential for a very rewarding, long-lasting, maybe even permanent relationship that couldn't happen because she was a different faith.

I think things like this only go on to prove that my theory about religion itself is true: it a scam. That isn't to say that God doesn't exist, nor does it mean that something isn't out there in an imonpotent form. That's something I can't say. I just don't think anyone should be able to be proclaimed a leader of faith, or that we need to feel guilty, or repentant to any person. People are fallible, and people created religion, not God. Therefore, religion is fallible.

Think about it. Unless your religion tells you not to, they do know independent thought is the enemy. (I'm look at you Pope!)

Where to go from here?

SO I went to go see the Dating Doctor today, and I am all sorts of confused. I don't know where to go with this whole idea, so I did something I haven't done in a long time. I prayed. I never used to look for help in God, but I feel like I have nothing left.

I'm a nice guy...a really nice guy. I know the adage, about how we finish last, and I'm sick of finishing last. I have had this crush on a girl for like 2 months...I think its time to test the waters. The one thing the seminar has taught me is that I think I'm "infatuated" with her. That is the first step in his methods to feeling for someone.

I'm gonna look in to her, see if she exhibits the qualities if attraction that the Dating Doctor brought up. If she does...I'm going to swallow my pride and ask her out. If I get rejected...I get rejected. Story of my life, right?

I'm not trying to be negative, I'm just sick of being rejected. So, mystery girl. I know you're out there...hell, you might even read this blog. I don't know. Take the first step sometimes...I could really use it.

-T

Can't Sleep...Clown Will Eat Me

So, I'm kinda falling apart as Spring Break comes to a close. I hate this feeling, I had it so long ago, when Kerry and I were in dire straits...feels like the world is collapsing in on me.

I don't know what to do. I've tried for 5 days to tell my parents I'm not graduatiing, that I don't want to, that the thing I want most in the world is to ride ambulances, make a difference in people's lives.

But I can't. I get too caught up in the moment, just like they do, and we fight and yell about stupid things that don't matter. Then the fight ends without anything being accomplished and nothing conveyed as it should be. I am trying to not be blunt with them...I feel like they want me to "succeed" as much as I do. They just don't understand.

Sometimes, I think they only care about the money aspect, and they will question this fifth year if I don't complete it. I never told them about the deep depression I went in to after the break-up. Some of the counselors likened it to grieving for someone who passed away who was very close to me. I honestly think they would get mad at me for wasting time on wallowing in sorrow over Kerry. Hell, I'm ashamed of it.

I don't like the fact I completely fell apart, that I became this worthless lump afterwards. It cost me so much...they have no idea, and I'm sure a lot of my readers have no idea...but still. I'm not proud of what happened to me, and how I am now looked upon by professors, administrators, and other students...like I can't cut it. Granted, I brought this upon myself, I know that...I just...


I want my life to be happy and optimistic and on track again. I had a random, awful nightmare last night. Kerry was dating some other guy...and it just bothered me. I don't know why. But there was that typical nightmare lighting and noise throughout the entire thing. I woke up in a cold sweat, and I can't figure it out. I haven't had a nightmare in years.

Ugh...what am I gonna do?