So bffls had a revelation about things that have been bothering her, and I am very happy for her in that respect. I, somehow wanting to follow her lead, have developed a similar revelation about my life.
All this time I have been fixated, obsessed even, with finding a new girl in my life. I hate to use the term "mate," but basically that. Someone who isn't just a friend, someone who is more. Funny thing is, it never was about someone to go out on dates with, or to kiss or have sex or anything like that. It was about being able to snuggle, and spend time in each others company. As much as I have enjoyed some of the physical aspects of past relationships, I have always cherished the more emotional sidenotes. Maybe I am weird in that respect, but the fact is I miss that more than anything: the idea of making someone feel safe, secure, happy.
Something came over me recently...I don't need a girlfriend or a love interest to rekindle those feelings. I just need friends who can, at times, make me feel like I hold this big place in their lives.
It isn't like the people in my life don't do that already, maybe its just not enough for me....i don't know. Either way, I just need to find that way, that balance, that keeps me happy without inconveniencing them. That will be the hard part.
On another note, I was awfully sick this weekend, making my entire weekend hellish. Let me tell you, this was a full body revolt. I feel dumb because despite my illness, I wanted to be a part of my friend's lives. I dunno, but I will say it spoke volumes to me about being there and hearing/seeing things as I couldn't do much. People in my group of friends have changed...and some not so much for the better. It bothers me, because I still care about them, even if they are assholes sometimes.
Finally, I want to apologize for being snippy to some of my friends over the weekend. Besides the sickness, the whole double date thing, as well as the viewing of the boudoir photo thing or whatever...just got to me. I didn't want to hear about it, or know about it to really any degree. Why? I was really, really jealous. When we all hang out in Sheff, especially last weekend, it became apparent that the attached outnumber the single. I could never say I handled my breakup well, and it is obvious to me that I am still handling it.
I don't want to be unhappy because you're happy, or snappy because I don't/can't have what you do. I'm sorry if I was an ass because of it. It normally doesn't bother me. I think it is mainly because those two things you did on one day are things I wanted to do with my ex...and I never got to/she would never do something like that.
Revelations are finicky things. Sometimes, they are like a bright light that shines enlightenment on to you, bringing you answers to your problems and your prayers. Other times, they bring more challenges and problems in to the mix.
Finicky bastards...
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