I find myself as time goes on becoming increasingly lonely and sad as I realize just how cruel life can be. Granted, I don't think I help it much...I constantly surround myself with people who berate me and make me unhappy...my family. Plus, I started listening to country music...which is all about true love, and I continually am reminded of how unappealing I am to women...despite the fact that I like to think I'm this amazing guy.
I finally got to Kerry the thought that her and I could never ever get back together. She kinda finally lost it. I can't just reject someone and go on living without being affected...I'm not that person. The worst part was that even though I knew we were never workable, the fact that she was there, a reminder that someone actually loves me for who I am, really helped me in the sense that that possibility actually exists like there is another person who could.
I hate being mopey and sad like this. Granted, I haven't been truly happy for longer than I can remember. I can't remember the last time I felt like everything I wanted to go my way was going that way. I just needed to vent that...ugh what a week.
Sunday, April 4, 2010
Friday, October 2, 2009
Confusing Times
I haven't posted in a long time, and I definetily have a lot to write, and to be honest, I'm looking for some sort of feedback, because the people who generally read this are my closest friends, and my most trusted advisors (even if I don't keep in touch like I should).
First, the good news: I have a MAJOR job interview tomorrow with The Hartford. I don't think this is the kind of place that will hire me on the spot tomorrow, but a guy can hope, right? This job can give me the cashflow I need to get a new computer and a new car! How exciting....and maybe not even a used one!
If all goes well at the interview/test tomorrow, I could be giving my notice to Wal-Mart tomorrow. Its exciting, although I hate to leave Wal-Mart...there are some great people over there.
Ok, confusing parts incoming:
I've been chatting with/seeing Kerry for a couple of weeks now, and we've been discussing the potential possibility of getting back together. The general consensus from my friends (you people) was that this was a bad idea...as you are all great friends and don't want to see me get hurt. I'll admit that at the time, I was hopeful, but skeptical at the same time. Initially, I was very hopeful, and thought that Kerry and I finally had a chance to move on from what had happened and could focus on what could happen.
The honest truth is that now, I am see-sawing on this issue. Some nights when I come to visit, its great: she is all smiles, and its like when we used to actually date, so happy to just be in each other's presence. Most of the other nights, however, she's really tired from doing her normal stuff, and all she seems to want me there for is to help her sleep (apparently I help her relax) and to help with chores so she can go to bed. I kinda hate that. It bothers me.
I dislike the fact I have too much faith in us, because the truth is I feel like I want us to work for bad reasons. Mainly because I feel like I've already met, and lost out on enough people who could've been amazing companions. Ugh, hate this feeling. I don't know what to do anymore.
-T
First, the good news: I have a MAJOR job interview tomorrow with The Hartford. I don't think this is the kind of place that will hire me on the spot tomorrow, but a guy can hope, right? This job can give me the cashflow I need to get a new computer and a new car! How exciting....and maybe not even a used one!
If all goes well at the interview/test tomorrow, I could be giving my notice to Wal-Mart tomorrow. Its exciting, although I hate to leave Wal-Mart...there are some great people over there.
Ok, confusing parts incoming:
I've been chatting with/seeing Kerry for a couple of weeks now, and we've been discussing the potential possibility of getting back together. The general consensus from my friends (you people) was that this was a bad idea...as you are all great friends and don't want to see me get hurt. I'll admit that at the time, I was hopeful, but skeptical at the same time. Initially, I was very hopeful, and thought that Kerry and I finally had a chance to move on from what had happened and could focus on what could happen.
The honest truth is that now, I am see-sawing on this issue. Some nights when I come to visit, its great: she is all smiles, and its like when we used to actually date, so happy to just be in each other's presence. Most of the other nights, however, she's really tired from doing her normal stuff, and all she seems to want me there for is to help her sleep (apparently I help her relax) and to help with chores so she can go to bed. I kinda hate that. It bothers me.
I dislike the fact I have too much faith in us, because the truth is I feel like I want us to work for bad reasons. Mainly because I feel like I've already met, and lost out on enough people who could've been amazing companions. Ugh, hate this feeling. I don't know what to do anymore.
-T
Thursday, September 10, 2009
Monday, September 7, 2009
Stir Crazy Blues
I'm sick of being home. Sick of feeling unwelcome in my own room. Sick of watching an unequal standing for my siblings.
I know they are my family, and they love me. But love isn't everything. I hate my brother. My sister can do no wrong in the eyes of my parents, and gets everything she wants. They can tell me until they are blue in the face, but she doesn't get punished like we used to, and she is just as bad as we were, if not worse.
I hate how my father always gets so angry when I make comments and stuff about this, and how he spouts lectures about the importance of family when he hasn't spoken to his younger brother in over 10 years. He refuses to patch things up despite how much he misses his brother. I fucking hate double standards! Its like everything in my life has been some sort of fucking double standard that I never seem to have the benefit of...
Granted, I could be completely missing them, or ignoring them all together for the purpose of being emotional and mad. No matter. The whole ordeal with Kerry was a big double standard in our relationship, theres a huge double standard between all of us children in the Fasano house. Nick gets to say, do and be whatever the fuc he wants to, and no one says anything. Gabby never gets fucking punished for things I would've been slapped for at her age. (I don't give a shit about the "changing times" bullshit. Parents are over sensitive nowadays and need a slap themselves.) I get the blame for everything. I work my ass off to help the family, but get no recognition. I hate this place!
I just want to find my dream job (yeah, right) and move out. Who cares about financials? Fuck Sallie Mae. Its my fault shes ruining my life. I'm going to be 48/49 when I pay off my loans. FML. I fucking give up! I'm 23 years old and my life is basically over. I have wasted nearly 6 years of my life in a relationship that basically destroyed me, wasted 5 fucking around in college to accomplish nothing, and am in debt 162 large, which will take 25 years or more to pay off, I'm in a dead end job where I get no respect and am disliked because I know what the fuck I'm talking about.
I laugh sometimes about when I was really, really depressed after Kerry and I broke up, and I thought pretty thoroughly about suicide and homicide (of her parents). Its just funny because by far, my life is considerably worse, and I'm not contemplating suicide...simply because it would completely screw over my family. Well, my mom and dad. Fuck the other two.
It really sucks being 23, and knowing that you've got nothing to really look forward to in life except the next good movie with a friend or a bonus paycheck you can actually spend on yourself instead of bills.
I know they are my family, and they love me. But love isn't everything. I hate my brother. My sister can do no wrong in the eyes of my parents, and gets everything she wants. They can tell me until they are blue in the face, but she doesn't get punished like we used to, and she is just as bad as we were, if not worse.
I hate how my father always gets so angry when I make comments and stuff about this, and how he spouts lectures about the importance of family when he hasn't spoken to his younger brother in over 10 years. He refuses to patch things up despite how much he misses his brother. I fucking hate double standards! Its like everything in my life has been some sort of fucking double standard that I never seem to have the benefit of...
Granted, I could be completely missing them, or ignoring them all together for the purpose of being emotional and mad. No matter. The whole ordeal with Kerry was a big double standard in our relationship, theres a huge double standard between all of us children in the Fasano house. Nick gets to say, do and be whatever the fuc he wants to, and no one says anything. Gabby never gets fucking punished for things I would've been slapped for at her age. (I don't give a shit about the "changing times" bullshit. Parents are over sensitive nowadays and need a slap themselves.) I get the blame for everything. I work my ass off to help the family, but get no recognition. I hate this place!
I just want to find my dream job (yeah, right) and move out. Who cares about financials? Fuck Sallie Mae. Its my fault shes ruining my life. I'm going to be 48/49 when I pay off my loans. FML. I fucking give up! I'm 23 years old and my life is basically over. I have wasted nearly 6 years of my life in a relationship that basically destroyed me, wasted 5 fucking around in college to accomplish nothing, and am in debt 162 large, which will take 25 years or more to pay off, I'm in a dead end job where I get no respect and am disliked because I know what the fuck I'm talking about.
I laugh sometimes about when I was really, really depressed after Kerry and I broke up, and I thought pretty thoroughly about suicide and homicide (of her parents). Its just funny because by far, my life is considerably worse, and I'm not contemplating suicide...simply because it would completely screw over my family. Well, my mom and dad. Fuck the other two.
It really sucks being 23, and knowing that you've got nothing to really look forward to in life except the next good movie with a friend or a bonus paycheck you can actually spend on yourself instead of bills.
Sunday, August 23, 2009
Weird Realizations of a "Free" Man
I have to admit, I really enjoy long drives by myself. Especially at night on the highway. I had the opportunity to be with my own thoughts with soft music playing in the background of the white noise of wind at 65 miles per hour. I got a chance to visit two of my best friends, Zack and Erin, as they began gearing up for the new school year, which gave me the ability to drive home at night, and these were some of the thoughts that I ran through:
First things first, it was great to see the two of them. I will admit that I am horrible at keeping in touch with people, and to actually be able to be in their presence and company was wonderful. I loved seeing them, chatting with them, and sharing a meal with them at Captain's Catch. However, I also felt this great divide between me and them, like the simple fact that I was "done" with college...at least, for the time being, changed things. That sucks. It wasn't something awful, but it seemed like I was in a totally different world then they were. I don't know how I feel about that.
On the subject of college: I realize now that Kerry, the break up, and the disastrous aftermath were not the only factors that led to my eventual drop-out. I...didn't want to be there. The University of New Haven was, in the end, a place I hated. Not because of the people (my friends are the best), but because it allowed me to get as bad as I was, and no one intervened. Yeah, it wasn't their job. But it made me think that someone would've noticed a student, one who is very active, etc. Falls off the face of the Earth, Withdraws from every single class for two semesters straight...you'd think someone would've found me and asked if things were alright. I think that is part of the reason I am so displeased with the school, and why I could never finish, even in the wake of better days. (This is beyond the point of the fact I didn't see a point, or care in the slightest. But I still believe this to be contributing factor.)
I also once again found myself thinking on the subject of relationships, and women. I find it strange that I have begun to think about Kerry again. I hope she is ok, because the fact of the matter is that I know the girl came out about as well as I did, and had a lot less support in terms of friends and such.
I found it ironic as I drove, listening to the radio, that our relationship is very similar to two songs by an artist that seemed to evolve as our relationship did: Kelly Clarkson. She sang "our song" at the time, which completely described us. Now, her newest single, "Already Gone," seems to describe our relationship even more as the end came drawing near. I just simply find it ironic, especially if you see Ms. Clarkson in the videos. In "A moment like this," she is juvenile, a teen, much like we were. She was optimistic, with big dreams in her eyes. In "Already Gone," she is older, seems wiser, and she looks learned, as if shes been through pain and disappointment.
These are just observations in the latest time frame, I don't want people to see these as cryptic messages for help. Iam most likely looking too far in to things, and work from there.
Until next time....Excelsior!
First things first, it was great to see the two of them. I will admit that I am horrible at keeping in touch with people, and to actually be able to be in their presence and company was wonderful. I loved seeing them, chatting with them, and sharing a meal with them at Captain's Catch. However, I also felt this great divide between me and them, like the simple fact that I was "done" with college...at least, for the time being, changed things. That sucks. It wasn't something awful, but it seemed like I was in a totally different world then they were. I don't know how I feel about that.
On the subject of college: I realize now that Kerry, the break up, and the disastrous aftermath were not the only factors that led to my eventual drop-out. I...didn't want to be there. The University of New Haven was, in the end, a place I hated. Not because of the people (my friends are the best), but because it allowed me to get as bad as I was, and no one intervened. Yeah, it wasn't their job. But it made me think that someone would've noticed a student, one who is very active, etc. Falls off the face of the Earth, Withdraws from every single class for two semesters straight...you'd think someone would've found me and asked if things were alright. I think that is part of the reason I am so displeased with the school, and why I could never finish, even in the wake of better days. (This is beyond the point of the fact I didn't see a point, or care in the slightest. But I still believe this to be contributing factor.)
I also once again found myself thinking on the subject of relationships, and women. I find it strange that I have begun to think about Kerry again. I hope she is ok, because the fact of the matter is that I know the girl came out about as well as I did, and had a lot less support in terms of friends and such.
I found it ironic as I drove, listening to the radio, that our relationship is very similar to two songs by an artist that seemed to evolve as our relationship did: Kelly Clarkson. She sang "our song" at the time, which completely described us. Now, her newest single, "Already Gone," seems to describe our relationship even more as the end came drawing near. I just simply find it ironic, especially if you see Ms. Clarkson in the videos. In "A moment like this," she is juvenile, a teen, much like we were. She was optimistic, with big dreams in her eyes. In "Already Gone," she is older, seems wiser, and she looks learned, as if shes been through pain and disappointment.
These are just observations in the latest time frame, I don't want people to see these as cryptic messages for help. Iam most likely looking too far in to things, and work from there.
Until next time....Excelsior!
Sunday, August 9, 2009
Acceptance.
I haven't blogged in a while, mainly because of work...and just a general desire to not rant about something. Truth is, these blogs have become mainly a release for me when I feel bad, or sad, or lonely. I recently have been doing a lot of fun things, like going to New Hampshire, and getting blitzed drunk. As weird as that sounds for me....I really feel like it was good. I needed time to literally forget, because as my last couple of blogs suggest, things kinda suck...and they still do, just they are a lot closer.
I have once again gone back to internet dating, and re-tried making an eHarmony profile, as I am not really looking for a date. I never have been. I have always been looking for a relationship, someone to hold, someone to hug goodbye and squeeze as hard as they can, and never let go because they don' want you to leave. Someone who can speak to you without using words...
It initially started pretty well. They use a guided communication system, which has four phases before you get to the regular e-mail portion of the communication (known as "open" communication). Also, if you don't think a person is a match, you can close a match, which will notify the person the other person wants to close the match, and requires a confirmation from the other party. Needless to say, my profile wasn't totally complete, but I was in communication with three separate girls, some close, some not...and the second I put pictures up of myself...all three had closed the match. That really hurt...I hate that eHarmony is supposed to be more serious, and people are just as shallow.
I'm sick of being rejected, especially when I have to pay 120 dollars for three months of rejection. At least on PlentyofFish, I can be rejected, and not have to pay a dime. I just don't get why I'm not good enough for anyone. Yeah, I'm fat. Big whoop. But I would treat a girl like she could never imagine. Make her feel special, pretty, and like she is a princess...that is apparently what they don't want.
I think its so funny how my mind works, because after Megan and I broke up, very peacably in fact, I began to once again crush on all the girls who I am close friends with. Why? I don't know. I have some morbid internal sensor that automatically thinks a girl is interested just because they are close to me and nice to me...maybe because in the past a lot of girls won't give me the time of day. Hell, even at work, some of them won't...and all I am doing is saying "hi."
Am I really that unappealing?
With that thought, I have finally reached the 5th level: Acceptance. I'm past denial, anger, bargaining, and depression. I've finally accepted that I'm not going to find a girl based on how I want it to happen. I'm not going to randomly run in to her somewhere, and have her magically be attracted to me. I'm not going to find someone I can be compatible with on the internet...its full of the same shallow people who click off my profile just at the look of my 58 inch waist. The only way I can think of is to get people to get to know me...but by then, they all just want to be friends. Its a vicious, awful cycle. Something I can't win at...so I am going to stop fighting.
I mean, for God's sakes, I'm jealous of Prescott because he got to prose to his girlfriend, and they will be happy together, while I have to wallow in depression and the knowledge that I will be alone forever because Ruth Stone needs to die and can't let her daughter go because she herself isn't happy.
How is that fair to anyone?
I just want a hand to hold...and eyes to look back that tell me that holding hands is the best thing in the world right now.
...Someone to squeeze back...
I'm sorry for ranting, especially because it only makes me feel worse, because I finally put down how I feel. It makes me think more. Ugh.
Off to bed, if I can sleep tonight.
I have once again gone back to internet dating, and re-tried making an eHarmony profile, as I am not really looking for a date. I never have been. I have always been looking for a relationship, someone to hold, someone to hug goodbye and squeeze as hard as they can, and never let go because they don' want you to leave. Someone who can speak to you without using words...
It initially started pretty well. They use a guided communication system, which has four phases before you get to the regular e-mail portion of the communication (known as "open" communication). Also, if you don't think a person is a match, you can close a match, which will notify the person the other person wants to close the match, and requires a confirmation from the other party. Needless to say, my profile wasn't totally complete, but I was in communication with three separate girls, some close, some not...and the second I put pictures up of myself...all three had closed the match. That really hurt...I hate that eHarmony is supposed to be more serious, and people are just as shallow.
I'm sick of being rejected, especially when I have to pay 120 dollars for three months of rejection. At least on PlentyofFish, I can be rejected, and not have to pay a dime. I just don't get why I'm not good enough for anyone. Yeah, I'm fat. Big whoop. But I would treat a girl like she could never imagine. Make her feel special, pretty, and like she is a princess...that is apparently what they don't want.
I think its so funny how my mind works, because after Megan and I broke up, very peacably in fact, I began to once again crush on all the girls who I am close friends with. Why? I don't know. I have some morbid internal sensor that automatically thinks a girl is interested just because they are close to me and nice to me...maybe because in the past a lot of girls won't give me the time of day. Hell, even at work, some of them won't...and all I am doing is saying "hi."
Am I really that unappealing?
With that thought, I have finally reached the 5th level: Acceptance. I'm past denial, anger, bargaining, and depression. I've finally accepted that I'm not going to find a girl based on how I want it to happen. I'm not going to randomly run in to her somewhere, and have her magically be attracted to me. I'm not going to find someone I can be compatible with on the internet...its full of the same shallow people who click off my profile just at the look of my 58 inch waist. The only way I can think of is to get people to get to know me...but by then, they all just want to be friends. Its a vicious, awful cycle. Something I can't win at...so I am going to stop fighting.
I mean, for God's sakes, I'm jealous of Prescott because he got to prose to his girlfriend, and they will be happy together, while I have to wallow in depression and the knowledge that I will be alone forever because Ruth Stone needs to die and can't let her daughter go because she herself isn't happy.
How is that fair to anyone?
I just want a hand to hold...and eyes to look back that tell me that holding hands is the best thing in the world right now.
...Someone to squeeze back...
I'm sorry for ranting, especially because it only makes me feel worse, because I finally put down how I feel. It makes me think more. Ugh.
Off to bed, if I can sleep tonight.
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
Not Really Sure....
As the title suggests, I am in one of those times in my life where I have begun to doubt myself...on multiple fronts. It sucks, but it was bound to happen, and for it, I'm glad only a few people really read this...and they are all my closest friends and advisors in my life.
Alright crack team, here goes...
1.) Romance
So I have been having doubts about Megan and I being a match for like a week and a half now. I can't explain why now all of a sudden, or the exact reason. However, it seems like the spark is gone...almost like we both rushed in to this relationship a little too quickly. I feel crappy about it because she was really trying to avoid that, and I was to, yet we still rushed in to the relationship pretty quick.
Its weird because when we are more...intimate than other occasions, things seem fine, but other times things that go on just irk me to no end. Like how she incessantly has to poke, and how she can't give me a straight answer. "Maybe" as an answer was really cute for a little while, but its starting to drive me up a wall. I mean, even her laugh bothers me a little. I also don't think I like the fact that she isn't very girly...and is really stubborn about it. I don't know.
I feel so shallow and like an asshole for this stuff. Its like I betrayed Megan and led her on? Am I doing it? I feel awful and am completely clueless about what to do about it.
2.) Finances
Holy balls am I in debt. My loan payments on the 10 year plan are going to average about $964 a month.
Just a quick note, thats only the Sallie Mae Loans without compounded interest, or the other loans that are taken out. (That payments more like 1300 a month.)
I SO cannot afford either of those...FML.
3.) Homesickness
It is July 9th...and I just realized that I am not going back to school in August. That thought that I am forever stuck in my home scares the shit out of me. Mainly because as much as I like Wal-Mart...it doesn't cut it with my needs, and its like I'm in a dead end job. (Which I know is stupid because I just started there...whatever.)
I want my own place, I want privacy and independence again. I want to have my stuf...be MY stuff again. Not something people can and will just take for their own use or entertainment. I dunno. I feel so cramped in my house.
That's enough ranting for now...much to do.
Alright crack team, here goes...
1.) Romance
So I have been having doubts about Megan and I being a match for like a week and a half now. I can't explain why now all of a sudden, or the exact reason. However, it seems like the spark is gone...almost like we both rushed in to this relationship a little too quickly. I feel crappy about it because she was really trying to avoid that, and I was to, yet we still rushed in to the relationship pretty quick.
Its weird because when we are more...intimate than other occasions, things seem fine, but other times things that go on just irk me to no end. Like how she incessantly has to poke, and how she can't give me a straight answer. "Maybe" as an answer was really cute for a little while, but its starting to drive me up a wall. I mean, even her laugh bothers me a little. I also don't think I like the fact that she isn't very girly...and is really stubborn about it. I don't know.
I feel so shallow and like an asshole for this stuff. Its like I betrayed Megan and led her on? Am I doing it? I feel awful and am completely clueless about what to do about it.
2.) Finances
Holy balls am I in debt. My loan payments on the 10 year plan are going to average about $964 a month.
Just a quick note, thats only the Sallie Mae Loans without compounded interest, or the other loans that are taken out. (That payments more like 1300 a month.)
I SO cannot afford either of those...FML.
3.) Homesickness
It is July 9th...and I just realized that I am not going back to school in August. That thought that I am forever stuck in my home scares the shit out of me. Mainly because as much as I like Wal-Mart...it doesn't cut it with my needs, and its like I'm in a dead end job. (Which I know is stupid because I just started there...whatever.)
I want my own place, I want privacy and independence again. I want to have my stuf...be MY stuff again. Not something people can and will just take for their own use or entertainment. I dunno. I feel so cramped in my house.
That's enough ranting for now...much to do.
Saturday, July 4, 2009
WTF is with people?!?!?!
Seriously...
I just got back from my job at Wal-Mart. What the living hell is with people!?! I don't get it, why are people so rude and expectant of service. Today, I was yelled at, criticized, and lectured...not by my bosses, but by customers for various reasons.
My favorite was the lecture about working at such a globally recognizable store...and not being able to speak fluent Spanish. (Note: You're in AMERICA, learn fucking English lady if you want to go out in public!)
I'm not trying to be racist, but it always seems to be the black, Hispanic, and Indian people who are butting in, interrupting, and generally rude to the other customers when I am interacting with them. I don't know.
I'm going to bust some caps in virtual heads for a little bit before bed to let some steam loose.
Ugh, 9 hours tomorrow.
I just got back from my job at Wal-Mart. What the living hell is with people!?! I don't get it, why are people so rude and expectant of service. Today, I was yelled at, criticized, and lectured...not by my bosses, but by customers for various reasons.
My favorite was the lecture about working at such a globally recognizable store...and not being able to speak fluent Spanish. (Note: You're in AMERICA, learn fucking English lady if you want to go out in public!)
I'm not trying to be racist, but it always seems to be the black, Hispanic, and Indian people who are butting in, interrupting, and generally rude to the other customers when I am interacting with them. I don't know.
I'm going to bust some caps in virtual heads for a little bit before bed to let some steam loose.
Ugh, 9 hours tomorrow.
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
Sick and Tired
I don't know why, but I'm in a piss poor mood this evening. It is totally my family's fault too. I had a great first day at work. I loved Wal-Mart. It was a boatload of fun, and I learned a lot about a company that I could potentially work for, and reap great benefits.
I fucking hate my brother. All he does is grate in to me about things, mainly money, and rubs it in to my face how I basically fail at life. I understand that I fucked up, but its like every day that I am home is a constant reminder of how I couldn't finish school...and there is nothing I can do to fix it...mainly because I don't want to!
I'm so sick of this town. Suffield is just this great place to raise kids and be stupid and rich...I don't want to be here! I also, have no escape...no capital, no vehicle that is technically mine. I want to move to a dynamic place, a place that people are up at night and doing things, and there is stuff to do. Hell, the only thing that can keep me here right now is Megan.
I care about her a lot, and she would literally be the only force strong enough to keep me in Massachusetts/Northern Connecticut. I hate the fact that I have doubts simply because I over analyze things and am scared of missing things. I hate that I do that. I just feel like I am constantly setting myself up for failure recently. The last two years have been like that...I just want it to stop.
I'm really sick of drama right now. I get really really angry and sad that people are going through what they are going through. I'm angry because they don't deserve it. Their significant others don't deserve them, and they don't deserve to be treated like they are...but its like no one listens.
I just don't want to see any of my friends in such a poor situation. I just think that they all are going to end up hurt, distraught, crying...
plus, being all pissy doesn't help me writing this without any of my friends (yes, multiple) feeling like I'm singling them out. I'll always be there friend...I just....I just wish they could see what everyone else saw.
I fucking hate my brother. All he does is grate in to me about things, mainly money, and rubs it in to my face how I basically fail at life. I understand that I fucked up, but its like every day that I am home is a constant reminder of how I couldn't finish school...and there is nothing I can do to fix it...mainly because I don't want to!
I'm so sick of this town. Suffield is just this great place to raise kids and be stupid and rich...I don't want to be here! I also, have no escape...no capital, no vehicle that is technically mine. I want to move to a dynamic place, a place that people are up at night and doing things, and there is stuff to do. Hell, the only thing that can keep me here right now is Megan.
I care about her a lot, and she would literally be the only force strong enough to keep me in Massachusetts/Northern Connecticut. I hate the fact that I have doubts simply because I over analyze things and am scared of missing things. I hate that I do that. I just feel like I am constantly setting myself up for failure recently. The last two years have been like that...I just want it to stop.
I'm really sick of drama right now. I get really really angry and sad that people are going through what they are going through. I'm angry because they don't deserve it. Their significant others don't deserve them, and they don't deserve to be treated like they are...but its like no one listens.
I just don't want to see any of my friends in such a poor situation. I just think that they all are going to end up hurt, distraught, crying...
plus, being all pissy doesn't help me writing this without any of my friends (yes, multiple) feeling like I'm singling them out. I'll always be there friend...I just....I just wish they could see what everyone else saw.
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
Don't wanna go home...
It is a weird feeling, packing up college life for the last time. How quickly things went by, how quickly things changed from good to bad to ugly and vice versa.
I go home tomorrow, and I really don't want to. I honestly don't think I can or will be as independent as I am right now until I can afford my own place. God knows when that is.
Target called me back the next day to cancel my interview. My other store had me marked as "unrehirable" and neither one could or would tell me why. (I love the corporate system).
Although, Best Buy called me the day after for a phone interview...and I haven't heard anything back. They said I would get something in the mail if they were not going to move forward with me. To be honest, I am expecting a letter when I get home, ugh.
I just want my EMT back and a job. That would make me happy right now. But, the job market sucks, and I have no idea when things are going to fix themselves on the EMT front. My main issue with that is that I would love to get a job in EMS but I need a certification first.
Oh well, back to packing. I have a lot of work to do, and I feel a little better after a quick vent.
I go home tomorrow, and I really don't want to. I honestly don't think I can or will be as independent as I am right now until I can afford my own place. God knows when that is.
Target called me back the next day to cancel my interview. My other store had me marked as "unrehirable" and neither one could or would tell me why. (I love the corporate system).
Although, Best Buy called me the day after for a phone interview...and I haven't heard anything back. They said I would get something in the mail if they were not going to move forward with me. To be honest, I am expecting a letter when I get home, ugh.
I just want my EMT back and a job. That would make me happy right now. But, the job market sucks, and I have no idea when things are going to fix themselves on the EMT front. My main issue with that is that I would love to get a job in EMS but I need a certification first.
Oh well, back to packing. I have a lot of work to do, and I feel a little better after a quick vent.
Sunday, May 10, 2009
Oh Tests
I took my EMT Practical exam on Saturday. Boy was I freaking nervous. I don't even know why really, just the atmosphere is kind of stiffling, not to mention the testing place was hot as balls too.
Either way, I had to prove through 6 separate stations that I know what I am doing as an EMT. It is one of those things that made me wonder why I let my certification go for so long...and why I let it lapse. I am never making that mistake again...the state test blows. Besides the fact to take both you need to shell out at least 100 dollars. Really? A C-note? Damn.
I realize now that I am really over-thinking things about my test, mainly because I think I probably failed every single station. I know that I didn't fail all the stations, but I definitely have my serious doubts about two of them, and moderate doubts about two more.
I think I might have failed the KED station because it was a little off center...also because my "observer" EMT partner acted like a special Olympian. I shouldn't say that...it probably would offend the Special Olympics. He didn't know what he was doing, and he couldn't even hold C-spine....even said "I don't know what I'm doing," and let go of the patient three times. If they fault me on that....I'm going to the State. Cuz that shit is ridiculous.
I have an idea I might fail the BVM station because I tried to insert an oral airway that was too big. Upon realizing it mid-insertion, I promptly removed it and added the correct sized one. The rest of the station seemed to go fine, just I don't know if that would have counted as delaying the deliverance of artificial ventilation.
As for the two stations that probably aren't a problem, but could be are the random station and the medical station. Random just seemed like it went by too quickly for me. I don't know, maybe it was just being nervous, but for all I know I might have missed something. I also fear that I did poorly in the Medical station simply because the instructor was a weird woman. I could not see her ever working in an EMS capacity. It boggled my mind.
Anyway, done with the rant.
I got a call back from Target in Windsor today about a job! They want to set up an interview for Thursday for possibly the backroom or as a cashier. I honestly don't care about the job, just that I have a job. I remember working for Target before and disliking it, but I think that only had to do with the fact that I was part time and felt like I was getting the short end of the stick.
I'm excited about the prospect of a full time job when I get out of college. Here's for high hopes.
Either way, I had to prove through 6 separate stations that I know what I am doing as an EMT. It is one of those things that made me wonder why I let my certification go for so long...and why I let it lapse. I am never making that mistake again...the state test blows. Besides the fact to take both you need to shell out at least 100 dollars. Really? A C-note? Damn.
I realize now that I am really over-thinking things about my test, mainly because I think I probably failed every single station. I know that I didn't fail all the stations, but I definitely have my serious doubts about two of them, and moderate doubts about two more.
I think I might have failed the KED station because it was a little off center...also because my "observer" EMT partner acted like a special Olympian. I shouldn't say that...it probably would offend the Special Olympics. He didn't know what he was doing, and he couldn't even hold C-spine....even said "I don't know what I'm doing," and let go of the patient three times. If they fault me on that....I'm going to the State. Cuz that shit is ridiculous.
I have an idea I might fail the BVM station because I tried to insert an oral airway that was too big. Upon realizing it mid-insertion, I promptly removed it and added the correct sized one. The rest of the station seemed to go fine, just I don't know if that would have counted as delaying the deliverance of artificial ventilation.
As for the two stations that probably aren't a problem, but could be are the random station and the medical station. Random just seemed like it went by too quickly for me. I don't know, maybe it was just being nervous, but for all I know I might have missed something. I also fear that I did poorly in the Medical station simply because the instructor was a weird woman. I could not see her ever working in an EMS capacity. It boggled my mind.
Anyway, done with the rant.
I got a call back from Target in Windsor today about a job! They want to set up an interview for Thursday for possibly the backroom or as a cashier. I honestly don't care about the job, just that I have a job. I remember working for Target before and disliking it, but I think that only had to do with the fact that I was part time and felt like I was getting the short end of the stick.
I'm excited about the prospect of a full time job when I get out of college. Here's for high hopes.
Monday, May 4, 2009
Weekends that make us and break us.
This weekend was great...and bad at the same time!
I got to do a lot of work for the concert. It was by far the best concert I've been to at UNH, the bands were great, set up and hanging out were fun...and I thoroughly enjoyed myself. The car accident with glenn on the other hand....could have been not as real as it actually was.
Its my own damn fault anyway, w/e...I had a panic attack today freaking out about how my mom would react...which is exactly the reason why I'm telling my dad first. I hate that my mom gets these reactions going in me...especially because I always feel like I have to lie to her, just to prolong the feeling that things are ok. She has her opinions, like that I suck at driving, that will never leave her head...no matter what I do. I don't know, sometimes I think my dad can be my biggest fan, and my mom can be my harshest critic. Ugh.
On the positive, Meg came to visit for the Carnival! Saturday was absolutely amazing...spending 14 hours with her made everything about the other days seem so worth it. I'm completely falling in love with her, I can feel it. I've never had anyone make me feel like this so quickly. She has already given me specific dates in the next month I need to keep open for events...including her graduation. I'm kind of excited to meet her parents. According to Meg, they seem excited to meet me too.
Sunday is still up in the air...this panic attack has me really worried about things in life again...like a job and supporting myself. I want to be able to get a job and be successful. It doesn't matter where anymore.
It seems my life is picking up however. I have another amazing girl in my life...not that that deters any of the other amazing women in my life. Just, she gives me that smile, that look...that tells me that when she's with me, she would rather be no where else. That, and the fact that she can say five words to me that completely blow me away and leave me speechless...again and again.
Oh boy...I'm so freaking in love.
I got to do a lot of work for the concert. It was by far the best concert I've been to at UNH, the bands were great, set up and hanging out were fun...and I thoroughly enjoyed myself. The car accident with glenn on the other hand....could have been not as real as it actually was.
Its my own damn fault anyway, w/e...I had a panic attack today freaking out about how my mom would react...which is exactly the reason why I'm telling my dad first. I hate that my mom gets these reactions going in me...especially because I always feel like I have to lie to her, just to prolong the feeling that things are ok. She has her opinions, like that I suck at driving, that will never leave her head...no matter what I do. I don't know, sometimes I think my dad can be my biggest fan, and my mom can be my harshest critic. Ugh.
On the positive, Meg came to visit for the Carnival! Saturday was absolutely amazing...spending 14 hours with her made everything about the other days seem so worth it. I'm completely falling in love with her, I can feel it. I've never had anyone make me feel like this so quickly. She has already given me specific dates in the next month I need to keep open for events...including her graduation. I'm kind of excited to meet her parents. According to Meg, they seem excited to meet me too.
Sunday is still up in the air...this panic attack has me really worried about things in life again...like a job and supporting myself. I want to be able to get a job and be successful. It doesn't matter where anymore.
It seems my life is picking up however. I have another amazing girl in my life...not that that deters any of the other amazing women in my life. Just, she gives me that smile, that look...that tells me that when she's with me, she would rather be no where else. That, and the fact that she can say five words to me that completely blow me away and leave me speechless...again and again.
Oh boy...I'm so freaking in love.
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
Shlalalalala My oh my...
I just got back from Chicopee Massachusetts. Where I may or may not have met Megan, and her friends for the first time.
She may or may not have told me she likes me back...
...and I may or may not have kissed her.
She may or may not have kissed back...seven times.
That is all, I don't think this smile is going to leave mt face for a LONG time.
She may or may not have told me she likes me back...
...and I may or may not have kissed her.
She may or may not have kissed back...seven times.
That is all, I don't think this smile is going to leave mt face for a LONG time.
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
I'm Walking on Sunshine....Whoooaa!
I've been in the most amazing of moods lately, and the majority, if not all the people who subscribe to this blog know why.
The simple story is I met a girl. But that story isn't nearly as fulfilling is it? Here's the long end of it:
I have been doing the Internet dating thing for a while now, at least since the beginning of the semester. It started with Soulgeek.com, but that hasn't really turned up anything. So, at the suggestion of my good friend Lexiophile, I checked out Plentyoffish.com. They are supposedly larger, and freer, than the big websites.
Fact of the matter was, Internet being a nerd's domain or not, I wasn't having a lot of luck with either site, and I was getting rather discouraged by this development. Fact was: it sucked hardcore. Out of all the girls I had messaged or did the stupid "wink" thing (when you don't have the money/are too cheap to pay) I had one get back to me. ONE! Needless to say, not good jewjew for Tim.
So I come back to school on Sunday from a typical (boring, standard, etc) Easter with my mom's side of the family. I had an e-mail, from a girl on POF. She wanted to chat. We ended up chatting for the rest of the day essentially. Today, Tuesday, we've chatted for like 4 hours.
The fact is, she doesn't want to rush in to anything. Which she has made very clear, and it is something I completely plan on respecting. She wants to be friends before she jumps in to anything, as she has had some very poor incidents in the past. I'm just glad she likes chatting with me. It has done wonders!
Truth be told, we have a lot of differences, her and I. But as time goes on (yes I know its been 3 days) I really like the idea that at some point, I could hold her hand, or she could be the cuddling type. If you have read my thoughts before on the subject...well, you know how I am definitely a fan.
So for now, I'm going to take things slow with Meg. See how the wind blows. For now, I'm walking on Sunshine.
The simple story is I met a girl. But that story isn't nearly as fulfilling is it? Here's the long end of it:
I have been doing the Internet dating thing for a while now, at least since the beginning of the semester. It started with Soulgeek.com, but that hasn't really turned up anything. So, at the suggestion of my good friend Lexiophile, I checked out Plentyoffish.com. They are supposedly larger, and freer, than the big websites.
Fact of the matter was, Internet being a nerd's domain or not, I wasn't having a lot of luck with either site, and I was getting rather discouraged by this development. Fact was: it sucked hardcore. Out of all the girls I had messaged or did the stupid "wink" thing (when you don't have the money/are too cheap to pay) I had one get back to me. ONE! Needless to say, not good jewjew for Tim.
So I come back to school on Sunday from a typical (boring, standard, etc) Easter with my mom's side of the family. I had an e-mail, from a girl on POF. She wanted to chat. We ended up chatting for the rest of the day essentially. Today, Tuesday, we've chatted for like 4 hours.
The fact is, she doesn't want to rush in to anything. Which she has made very clear, and it is something I completely plan on respecting. She wants to be friends before she jumps in to anything, as she has had some very poor incidents in the past. I'm just glad she likes chatting with me. It has done wonders!
Truth be told, we have a lot of differences, her and I. But as time goes on (yes I know its been 3 days) I really like the idea that at some point, I could hold her hand, or she could be the cuddling type. If you have read my thoughts before on the subject...well, you know how I am definitely a fan.
So for now, I'm going to take things slow with Meg. See how the wind blows. For now, I'm walking on Sunshine.
Saturday, April 11, 2009
I'm just a little too not over you...
I've been pondering a lot about my relationship woes recently, for the majority of this week to be more exact. Kerry's birthday was on Thursday which just kind of brought this all about.
I'm not over her, and I don't know what to do about it. I just want to be loved. To just hear those words, directed at me, and not in the sense of like "best friends."
Honestly...Like 20-30 people have rejected me, via ignoring anything i send them, through the internet dating sites. I have had one girl say yes. ONE. I loved her with every inch of my being...and she's gone. A victim of circumstance and my ability not to just cave in.
So now I'm alone and all I can't think about anything but her. It's been more than a year since we broke up.
Fuck my life.
I'm not over her, and I don't know what to do about it. I just want to be loved. To just hear those words, directed at me, and not in the sense of like "best friends."
Honestly...Like 20-30 people have rejected me, via ignoring anything i send them, through the internet dating sites. I have had one girl say yes. ONE. I loved her with every inch of my being...and she's gone. A victim of circumstance and my ability not to just cave in.
So now I'm alone and all I can't think about anything but her. It's been more than a year since we broke up.
Fuck my life.
Sunday, March 29, 2009
Frank Sinatra sent us there!
Woot NYC! Wooooot Mimi's!
should be I went to New York with Erin, Zack, and Dan. I needed this trip more than even I realized. It seemed like everybody did, they were completing some rough weeks. As always, it was an amazing trip and I think that our semesterly trip to the Big Apple for some high quality Italian food and conversation made in to a reoccurring phenomenon, regardless of where we are.
I really enjoy being in the company of this group, as we always manage to have fun, come up with a new inside joke, and have some meaningful conversation about our lives, our issues, and our triumphs. Honestly, if we could have everyday be yesterday, I wouldn't mind it in the least.
It was really nice to see that we all had out our triumphs to celebrate. Zack and Erin were celebrating the fact that they pretty much are the Editor and Assistant Editor, respectively, of the Charger Bulletin next year. Dan was celebrating becoming Ivy League (like he wasn't...lol) and getting accepted to Dartmouth. I originally didn't have anything to celebrate, but I walked all over NYC and wasn't our of breath, wasn't tired, wasn't anything. My diets working, and I have more energy and stamina than ever before. I was very happy.
One such conversation we had on our way back from New York was about religion. I personally am not religious, and I do not criticize or look down on those who believe in a religion. It isn't to say I don't have faith, but i just find that the whole idea that so many people need things, or have learned to need things, to believe in eludes my comprehension. It doesn't mean my lack of religious "faith" hasn't come to bite me. I had potential for a very rewarding, long-lasting, maybe even permanent relationship that couldn't happen because she was a different faith.
I think things like this only go on to prove that my theory about religion itself is true: it a scam. That isn't to say that God doesn't exist, nor does it mean that something isn't out there in an imonpotent form. That's something I can't say. I just don't think anyone should be able to be proclaimed a leader of faith, or that we need to feel guilty, or repentant to any person. People are fallible, and people created religion, not God. Therefore, religion is fallible.
Think about it. Unless your religion tells you not to, they do know independent thought is the enemy. (I'm look at you Pope!)
I really enjoy being in the company of this group, as we always manage to have fun, come up with a new inside joke, and have some meaningful conversation about our lives, our issues, and our triumphs. Honestly, if we could have everyday be yesterday, I wouldn't mind it in the least.
It was really nice to see that we all had out our triumphs to celebrate. Zack and Erin were celebrating the fact that they pretty much are the Editor and Assistant Editor, respectively, of the Charger Bulletin next year. Dan was celebrating becoming Ivy League (like he wasn't...lol) and getting accepted to Dartmouth. I originally didn't have anything to celebrate, but I walked all over NYC and wasn't our of breath, wasn't tired, wasn't anything. My diets working, and I have more energy and stamina than ever before. I was very happy.
One such conversation we had on our way back from New York was about religion. I personally am not religious, and I do not criticize or look down on those who believe in a religion. It isn't to say I don't have faith, but i just find that the whole idea that so many people need things, or have learned to need things, to believe in eludes my comprehension. It doesn't mean my lack of religious "faith" hasn't come to bite me. I had potential for a very rewarding, long-lasting, maybe even permanent relationship that couldn't happen because she was a different faith.
I think things like this only go on to prove that my theory about religion itself is true: it a scam. That isn't to say that God doesn't exist, nor does it mean that something isn't out there in an imonpotent form. That's something I can't say. I just don't think anyone should be able to be proclaimed a leader of faith, or that we need to feel guilty, or repentant to any person. People are fallible, and people created religion, not God. Therefore, religion is fallible.
Think about it. Unless your religion tells you not to, they do know independent thought is the enemy. (I'm look at you Pope!)
Thursday, March 26, 2009
Where to go from here?
SO I went to go see the Dating Doctor today, and I am all sorts of confused. I don't know where to go with this whole idea, so I did something I haven't done in a long time. I prayed. I never used to look for help in God, but I feel like I have nothing left.
I'm a nice guy...a really nice guy. I know the adage, about how we finish last, and I'm sick of finishing last. I have had this crush on a girl for like 2 months...I think its time to test the waters. The one thing the seminar has taught me is that I think I'm "infatuated" with her. That is the first step in his methods to feeling for someone.
I'm gonna look in to her, see if she exhibits the qualities if attraction that the Dating Doctor brought up. If she does...I'm going to swallow my pride and ask her out. If I get rejected...I get rejected. Story of my life, right?
I'm not trying to be negative, I'm just sick of being rejected. So, mystery girl. I know you're out there...hell, you might even read this blog. I don't know. Take the first step sometimes...I could really use it.
-T
I'm a nice guy...a really nice guy. I know the adage, about how we finish last, and I'm sick of finishing last. I have had this crush on a girl for like 2 months...I think its time to test the waters. The one thing the seminar has taught me is that I think I'm "infatuated" with her. That is the first step in his methods to feeling for someone.
I'm gonna look in to her, see if she exhibits the qualities if attraction that the Dating Doctor brought up. If she does...I'm going to swallow my pride and ask her out. If I get rejected...I get rejected. Story of my life, right?
I'm not trying to be negative, I'm just sick of being rejected. So, mystery girl. I know you're out there...hell, you might even read this blog. I don't know. Take the first step sometimes...I could really use it.
-T
Saturday, March 21, 2009
Can't Sleep...Clown Will Eat Me
So, I'm kinda falling apart as Spring Break comes to a close. I hate this feeling, I had it so long ago, when Kerry and I were in dire straits...feels like the world is collapsing in on me.
I don't know what to do. I've tried for 5 days to tell my parents I'm not graduatiing, that I don't want to, that the thing I want most in the world is to ride ambulances, make a difference in people's lives.
But I can't. I get too caught up in the moment, just like they do, and we fight and yell about stupid things that don't matter. Then the fight ends without anything being accomplished and nothing conveyed as it should be. I am trying to not be blunt with them...I feel like they want me to "succeed" as much as I do. They just don't understand.
Sometimes, I think they only care about the money aspect, and they will question this fifth year if I don't complete it. I never told them about the deep depression I went in to after the break-up. Some of the counselors likened it to grieving for someone who passed away who was very close to me. I honestly think they would get mad at me for wasting time on wallowing in sorrow over Kerry. Hell, I'm ashamed of it.
I don't like the fact I completely fell apart, that I became this worthless lump afterwards. It cost me so much...they have no idea, and I'm sure a lot of my readers have no idea...but still. I'm not proud of what happened to me, and how I am now looked upon by professors, administrators, and other students...like I can't cut it. Granted, I brought this upon myself, I know that...I just...
I want my life to be happy and optimistic and on track again. I had a random, awful nightmare last night. Kerry was dating some other guy...and it just bothered me. I don't know why. But there was that typical nightmare lighting and noise throughout the entire thing. I woke up in a cold sweat, and I can't figure it out. I haven't had a nightmare in years.
Ugh...what am I gonna do?
I don't know what to do. I've tried for 5 days to tell my parents I'm not graduatiing, that I don't want to, that the thing I want most in the world is to ride ambulances, make a difference in people's lives.
But I can't. I get too caught up in the moment, just like they do, and we fight and yell about stupid things that don't matter. Then the fight ends without anything being accomplished and nothing conveyed as it should be. I am trying to not be blunt with them...I feel like they want me to "succeed" as much as I do. They just don't understand.
Sometimes, I think they only care about the money aspect, and they will question this fifth year if I don't complete it. I never told them about the deep depression I went in to after the break-up. Some of the counselors likened it to grieving for someone who passed away who was very close to me. I honestly think they would get mad at me for wasting time on wallowing in sorrow over Kerry. Hell, I'm ashamed of it.
I don't like the fact I completely fell apart, that I became this worthless lump afterwards. It cost me so much...they have no idea, and I'm sure a lot of my readers have no idea...but still. I'm not proud of what happened to me, and how I am now looked upon by professors, administrators, and other students...like I can't cut it. Granted, I brought this upon myself, I know that...I just...
I want my life to be happy and optimistic and on track again. I had a random, awful nightmare last night. Kerry was dating some other guy...and it just bothered me. I don't know why. But there was that typical nightmare lighting and noise throughout the entire thing. I woke up in a cold sweat, and I can't figure it out. I haven't had a nightmare in years.
Ugh...what am I gonna do?
Friday, February 27, 2009
No Idea
I've been having a very bad week. I've been sick for the majority of it and still have this biting cough that hurts. I'm having issues with my friends in the sense I don't think they actually believe I'm sick, or that I'm wasting my time doing nothing.
I'm just trying to get by. I know that I'm not going to be able to finish, I was aware of that from the beginning of last semester. 5 years...for nothing. Story of my life it seems as of late. The thing that bothers me more than that is what I've become. I used to be this person who was at the top of his game: highly motivated, optimistic, and could go anywhere. Where am I now? Not there, its almost like polar opposites: no motivation, pessimistic, and no vision for the future.
Now I know that the whole incidence with Kerry almost 2 years ago had an effect. There is no doubt. I just wish I could get my life back on track, and I honestly don't know how. I hate what I've become, and yet I feel trapped. I feel bad when people want to help, because either I am distant or angry.
I wasn't originally going to go off on this tangent, but this really pissed me off the other day. One of my friends, who honestly has no clue about most things related to emotions and feelings, tried to tell me the other day that he "knows how it feels" in regards to the whole Kerry situation.
Excuse me? Fuck You.
You have no idea. Nobody can tell me they know how it feels to be basically told to your face by your ex's mother that you aren't good enough for her. To realize that her mother lives in a delusional fantasy world where she can literally ignore the last 5 years of dating to the point where she can honestly say to her daughter's face: "I didn't think you were dating. I thought you were together when on breaks at school, and dated on your campuses."
Way to call your daughter some sort of hussy. Anyway, that is off topic. No-one can truly understand how it feels. Because it is the most awful feelings in the world. I would never wish it upon anyone (with one exception). The fact is, using that sort of language to me to try to be sympathetic, only insults me more. It also shows that the friendship that he and I supposedly have, is not as close as originally implied.
For God's sakes, can you not see the pain in me?!!!?! I'm sure some people can, bffl probably can. She worries about me all the time, despite having issues of her own. I don't want her to worry about me...I just want her to make her life positive and successful. I want her to be happy, like I was once. To be on top of the world, and never have to realize that the mountain you're standing on is crumbling beneath you.
I just want this year to be over...I want to start my existence as an hourly wage worker.
I'm just trying to get by. I know that I'm not going to be able to finish, I was aware of that from the beginning of last semester. 5 years...for nothing. Story of my life it seems as of late. The thing that bothers me more than that is what I've become. I used to be this person who was at the top of his game: highly motivated, optimistic, and could go anywhere. Where am I now? Not there, its almost like polar opposites: no motivation, pessimistic, and no vision for the future.
Now I know that the whole incidence with Kerry almost 2 years ago had an effect. There is no doubt. I just wish I could get my life back on track, and I honestly don't know how. I hate what I've become, and yet I feel trapped. I feel bad when people want to help, because either I am distant or angry.
I wasn't originally going to go off on this tangent, but this really pissed me off the other day. One of my friends, who honestly has no clue about most things related to emotions and feelings, tried to tell me the other day that he "knows how it feels" in regards to the whole Kerry situation.
Excuse me? Fuck You.
You have no idea. Nobody can tell me they know how it feels to be basically told to your face by your ex's mother that you aren't good enough for her. To realize that her mother lives in a delusional fantasy world where she can literally ignore the last 5 years of dating to the point where she can honestly say to her daughter's face: "I didn't think you were dating. I thought you were together when on breaks at school, and dated on your campuses."
Way to call your daughter some sort of hussy. Anyway, that is off topic. No-one can truly understand how it feels. Because it is the most awful feelings in the world. I would never wish it upon anyone (with one exception). The fact is, using that sort of language to me to try to be sympathetic, only insults me more. It also shows that the friendship that he and I supposedly have, is not as close as originally implied.
For God's sakes, can you not see the pain in me?!!!?! I'm sure some people can, bffl probably can. She worries about me all the time, despite having issues of her own. I don't want her to worry about me...I just want her to make her life positive and successful. I want her to be happy, like I was once. To be on top of the world, and never have to realize that the mountain you're standing on is crumbling beneath you.
I just want this year to be over...I want to start my existence as an hourly wage worker.
Saturday, February 21, 2009
Take Me There
I've been inspired by another friend's blogs and have begun associating my life with music again. A big thanks to Joanie E for the idea. Today's theme is Rascal Flatts - Take Me There.
I had a chat with someone about Kerry today...and it just stuck with me. I had to do it. I had to see the ring I bought her, the ring I refused to look at until now, the ring I can't get rid of for some reason. It is the only real thing that keeps Kerry with me, minus the random phones conversations and texts we have rarely.
I feel like a glutton for punishment, because I had to listen to the CD I burned for her for Christmas. It didn't bother me like I thought it would...but it is funny.
I made the CD as a walk through our relationship, each song representing a different point in our life together, in correct order. For once, listening to these songs, from Hawaiian Roller Coaster Ride (Lilo & Stitch - Our first date and kiss) to Everything (Michael Buble - to show her that even after 5 and a half years, she still was my entire world), brought good memories. Sure, it still doesn't sit well that its over, and the possibility of being together swiftly diminishes as time goes by, but I'm not losing my mind and crying my eyes out like I used to do. I would call that serious progress.
Some people search a lifetime for a moment like this.
Some people search forever for that one special kiss.
I cant believe its happening to me.
Some people wait a lifetime for a moment like this.
That always stays with me...those words from our song. Well, it was our song. I guess its just a song now...but it will always mean something to me.
I think, now more than ever, I don't want a girlfriend. I don't need a girlfriend. I just need a companion. Someone not so much to have and to hold...but someone who can cuddle with me. Someone that I know will feel safe in my arms, and snuggles up to me not because I'm comfortable, or that I'm warm, or that because we are all squeezed in on a couch.
I want someone who wants to snuggle...because she would rather be no other place in the world.
Maybe that's asking for too much. I don't know. Friendship is awesome, and I do have amazing friends, especially the four that I know read this blog. I just....sometimes, want a hand to hold.
I had a chat with someone about Kerry today...and it just stuck with me. I had to do it. I had to see the ring I bought her, the ring I refused to look at until now, the ring I can't get rid of for some reason. It is the only real thing that keeps Kerry with me, minus the random phones conversations and texts we have rarely.
I feel like a glutton for punishment, because I had to listen to the CD I burned for her for Christmas. It didn't bother me like I thought it would...but it is funny.
I made the CD as a walk through our relationship, each song representing a different point in our life together, in correct order. For once, listening to these songs, from Hawaiian Roller Coaster Ride (Lilo & Stitch - Our first date and kiss) to Everything (Michael Buble - to show her that even after 5 and a half years, she still was my entire world), brought good memories. Sure, it still doesn't sit well that its over, and the possibility of being together swiftly diminishes as time goes by, but I'm not losing my mind and crying my eyes out like I used to do. I would call that serious progress.
Some people search a lifetime for a moment like this.
Some people search forever for that one special kiss.
I cant believe its happening to me.
Some people wait a lifetime for a moment like this.
That always stays with me...those words from our song. Well, it was our song. I guess its just a song now...but it will always mean something to me.
I think, now more than ever, I don't want a girlfriend. I don't need a girlfriend. I just need a companion. Someone not so much to have and to hold...but someone who can cuddle with me. Someone that I know will feel safe in my arms, and snuggles up to me not because I'm comfortable, or that I'm warm, or that because we are all squeezed in on a couch.
I want someone who wants to snuggle...because she would rather be no other place in the world.
Maybe that's asking for too much. I don't know. Friendship is awesome, and I do have amazing friends, especially the four that I know read this blog. I just....sometimes, want a hand to hold.
When I think back
On these times
And the dreams
We left behind
I'll be glad 'cause
I was blessed to get
To have you in my life
When I look back
On these days
I'll look and see your face
You were right there for me
On these times
And the dreams
We left behind
I'll be glad 'cause
I was blessed to get
To have you in my life
When I look back
On these days
I'll look and see your face
You were right there for me
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