No Idea

I've been having a very bad week. I've been sick for the majority of it and still have this biting cough that hurts. I'm having issues with my friends in the sense I don't think they actually believe I'm sick, or that I'm wasting my time doing nothing.

I'm just trying to get by. I know that I'm not going to be able to finish, I was aware of that from the beginning of last semester. 5 years...for nothing. Story of my life it seems as of late. The thing that bothers me more than that is what I've become. I used to be this person who was at the top of his game: highly motivated, optimistic, and could go anywhere. Where am I now? Not there, its almost like polar opposites: no motivation, pessimistic, and no vision for the future.

Now I know that the whole incidence with Kerry almost 2 years ago had an effect. There is no doubt. I just wish I could get my life back on track, and I honestly don't know how. I hate what I've become, and yet I feel trapped. I feel bad when people want to help, because either I am distant or angry.

I wasn't originally going to go off on this tangent, but this really pissed me off the other day. One of my friends, who honestly has no clue about most things related to emotions and feelings, tried to tell me the other day that he "knows how it feels" in regards to the whole Kerry situation.

Excuse me? Fuck You.

You have no idea. Nobody can tell me they know how it feels to be basically told to your face by your ex's mother that you aren't good enough for her. To realize that her mother lives in a delusional fantasy world where she can literally ignore the last 5 years of dating to the point where she can honestly say to her daughter's face: "I didn't think you were dating. I thought you were together when on breaks at school, and dated on your campuses."

Way to call your daughter some sort of hussy. Anyway, that is off topic. No-one can truly understand how it feels. Because it is the most awful feelings in the world. I would never wish it upon anyone (with one exception). The fact is, using that sort of language to me to try to be sympathetic, only insults me more. It also shows that the friendship that he and I supposedly have, is not as close as originally implied.

For God's sakes, can you not see the pain in me?!!!?! I'm sure some people can, bffl probably can. She worries about me all the time, despite having issues of her own. I don't want her to worry about me...I just want her to make her life positive and successful. I want her to be happy, like I was once. To be on top of the world, and never have to realize that the mountain you're standing on is crumbling beneath you.

I just want this year to be over...I want to start my existence as an hourly wage worker.