A Brand New Day

Christmas went really well, despite my original worries of it being a repeat of last year. (Side note : I got batman pajamas woo!) It has given me a lot of new hope about the coming year and the coming semester, and I feel as if I have finally been able to shed off some of this worry and grief I have been holding on to.

That gives me a lot of hope.

I was in my room the other day looking through some old stuff, and I came across some old UNH Yearbooks. The one from 2007 caught my eye because I had a lot of friends in that class, and their senior year I would easily consider being one of my best years. I also had this massive crush on a girl from that class. It wasn't anything that affected my relationship, but it was one of those things that I saw myself working out with her if I wasn't currently happy in a relationship. That's not important, but continuing on...

The President of the USGA at the time was a big influence on me. I really believed in him, and when I reread his words in the yearbook, something struck me. It was scary how pertinant it was to me. It was a quote from Helen Keller:

"When one door of happiness closes, another opens: but iften we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us."

Scary, huh?

I've decided I'm done staring at my closed door. I'm going to look in to the hallway, find my new open door and dive in! I'm ready to jump start my life again...here goes nothing.

Explanations

First, I need to publish a disclaimer about my last post. I did not mean to hurt anyone or make anyone feel bad about the words that I posted. I was sad, lonely, and expressive...a lethal combination. I wrote what was on my mind at the time, without editing, or time to review what was written. I don't feel that way all the time, it has usually been for about 3 or 4 hours once in a random while. Only difference being...it came out in this blog.

I want to thank everyone who was concerned about me...it really does mean a lot. I am really, truly appreciative for what I have...I think, sometimes I don't know if I appreciate my friends enough. Either way...thank you, especially bffl. Sometimes I just need you to set me striaght when I'm being really stupid.

Yesterday was Christmas...and I dreaded it. Christmas last year was absolutely awful, and I was really scared that things were going to mirrror that. The fact that I was wrong made me very happy. All in all, I had a good holiday.

The Endless Charade

I don't know why I'm putting this out now...or why I broke down to putting this in to words...but I am.

Since May 20th, 2007 I have been a mess. Destroyed emotionally, mentally, and physically. I have no drive, no desires, no dreams. I have become bitter, pessimistic, and an overall antisocial jerk. I hate people who are in a relationship...even a little bit...just because they can have what "God" denied me. What happened to me?

You know what?...I still love her, with every atom in my existence, every ounce of my being. I still think about her everyday and cry, just a little. Maybe 10 minutes or so, but I am still basically grieving the loss of someone...someone I didn't have to lose. Why did I have to ask her mother that day? Why did I have to completely lose it afterward? Hindsight says I could have prevented the destruction, but I sat on the sidelines and let it happen.

I'm not looking for sympathy, I don't really deserve it. Besides, I hate people being whiny and bitchy just looking for attention. I...just need to get my feelings out. The people I normally tell these things to have their own issues going on right now. The last thing they need is my continuing drama in their lives. But its still there, and they don't even know the half of it.

That's my charade. I'm not ok. I'm an emotional wreck, and nothing matter to me anymore. I would rather play World of Warcraft than do work for school, because school reminds me of Kerry. I had planned an entire life around getting my collegiate education, a good job, and raising a family. Hell, I still have the engagement ring I bought for her...

I'm secretly hoping this is all a horrible nightmare, and I'm going to wake up. I really hope I wake up soon.

...because I, I....................................

I can't bear the thought of losing that hope; that one day, she is going to wear that ring that took me close to 15 hours total in the jewelry store to pick out so it would be perfect.

That is my secret, my charade. It ends now. I'm sick of being cheerful when I feel like I'm dying inside. I'm sick of being alone....and being lonely. I just want someone who can hold my hand...and squeeze back.

That's what I miss the most. Holding hands. Soft touches. Putting my hand by her cheek and having her move in to my palm...with so much love and care. I would give absolutely anything to get that back.


The worst part of it all...is we didn't break up because I treated her like crap, or because she was cheating on me. Nothing like that. In fact, May 19th, 2007 in to the wee hours of the morning of May 20th, may have been some of the fondest memories I have of our relationship together.

It was because of an outside force. A force that split us, and sided us against one another...
I could slander that force, but I have been there and done that. That's not important. I just want my life back, my spirit, my drive. Its been 574 days since my relationship began to crumble, and 305 dyas since she officially left me.

I've been miserable for over a year and a half of my life, and I don't know how to fix it.