Frank Sinatra sent us there!

Woot NYC! Wooooot Mimi's!

should be I went to New York with Erin, Zack, and Dan. I needed this trip more than even I realized. It seemed like everybody did, they were completing some rough weeks. As always, it was an amazing trip and I think that our semesterly trip to the Big Apple for some high quality Italian food and conversation made in to a reoccurring phenomenon, regardless of where we are.

I really enjoy being in the company of this group, as we always manage to have fun, come up with a new inside joke, and have some meaningful conversation about our lives, our issues, and our triumphs. Honestly, if we could have everyday be yesterday, I wouldn't mind it in the least.

It was really nice to see that we all had out our triumphs to celebrate. Zack and Erin were celebrating the fact that they pretty much are the Editor and Assistant Editor, respectively, of the Charger Bulletin next year. Dan was celebrating becoming Ivy League (like he wasn't...lol) and getting accepted to Dartmouth. I originally didn't have anything to celebrate, but I walked all over NYC and wasn't our of breath, wasn't tired, wasn't anything. My diets working, and I have more energy and stamina than ever before. I was very happy.

One such conversation we had on our way back from New York was about religion. I personally am not religious, and I do not criticize or look down on those who believe in a religion. It isn't to say I don't have faith, but i just find that the whole idea that so many people need things, or have learned to need things, to believe in eludes my comprehension. It doesn't mean my lack of religious "faith" hasn't come to bite me. I had potential for a very rewarding, long-lasting, maybe even permanent relationship that couldn't happen because she was a different faith.

I think things like this only go on to prove that my theory about religion itself is true: it a scam. That isn't to say that God doesn't exist, nor does it mean that something isn't out there in an imonpotent form. That's something I can't say. I just don't think anyone should be able to be proclaimed a leader of faith, or that we need to feel guilty, or repentant to any person. People are fallible, and people created religion, not God. Therefore, religion is fallible.

Think about it. Unless your religion tells you not to, they do know independent thought is the enemy. (I'm look at you Pope!)

Where to go from here?

SO I went to go see the Dating Doctor today, and I am all sorts of confused. I don't know where to go with this whole idea, so I did something I haven't done in a long time. I prayed. I never used to look for help in God, but I feel like I have nothing left.

I'm a nice guy...a really nice guy. I know the adage, about how we finish last, and I'm sick of finishing last. I have had this crush on a girl for like 2 months...I think its time to test the waters. The one thing the seminar has taught me is that I think I'm "infatuated" with her. That is the first step in his methods to feeling for someone.

I'm gonna look in to her, see if she exhibits the qualities if attraction that the Dating Doctor brought up. If she does...I'm going to swallow my pride and ask her out. If I get rejected...I get rejected. Story of my life, right?

I'm not trying to be negative, I'm just sick of being rejected. So, mystery girl. I know you're out there...hell, you might even read this blog. I don't know. Take the first step sometimes...I could really use it.

-T

Can't Sleep...Clown Will Eat Me

So, I'm kinda falling apart as Spring Break comes to a close. I hate this feeling, I had it so long ago, when Kerry and I were in dire straits...feels like the world is collapsing in on me.

I don't know what to do. I've tried for 5 days to tell my parents I'm not graduatiing, that I don't want to, that the thing I want most in the world is to ride ambulances, make a difference in people's lives.

But I can't. I get too caught up in the moment, just like they do, and we fight and yell about stupid things that don't matter. Then the fight ends without anything being accomplished and nothing conveyed as it should be. I am trying to not be blunt with them...I feel like they want me to "succeed" as much as I do. They just don't understand.

Sometimes, I think they only care about the money aspect, and they will question this fifth year if I don't complete it. I never told them about the deep depression I went in to after the break-up. Some of the counselors likened it to grieving for someone who passed away who was very close to me. I honestly think they would get mad at me for wasting time on wallowing in sorrow over Kerry. Hell, I'm ashamed of it.

I don't like the fact I completely fell apart, that I became this worthless lump afterwards. It cost me so much...they have no idea, and I'm sure a lot of my readers have no idea...but still. I'm not proud of what happened to me, and how I am now looked upon by professors, administrators, and other students...like I can't cut it. Granted, I brought this upon myself, I know that...I just...


I want my life to be happy and optimistic and on track again. I had a random, awful nightmare last night. Kerry was dating some other guy...and it just bothered me. I don't know why. But there was that typical nightmare lighting and noise throughout the entire thing. I woke up in a cold sweat, and I can't figure it out. I haven't had a nightmare in years.

Ugh...what am I gonna do?