No Idea

I've been having a very bad week. I've been sick for the majority of it and still have this biting cough that hurts. I'm having issues with my friends in the sense I don't think they actually believe I'm sick, or that I'm wasting my time doing nothing.

I'm just trying to get by. I know that I'm not going to be able to finish, I was aware of that from the beginning of last semester. 5 years...for nothing. Story of my life it seems as of late. The thing that bothers me more than that is what I've become. I used to be this person who was at the top of his game: highly motivated, optimistic, and could go anywhere. Where am I now? Not there, its almost like polar opposites: no motivation, pessimistic, and no vision for the future.

Now I know that the whole incidence with Kerry almost 2 years ago had an effect. There is no doubt. I just wish I could get my life back on track, and I honestly don't know how. I hate what I've become, and yet I feel trapped. I feel bad when people want to help, because either I am distant or angry.

I wasn't originally going to go off on this tangent, but this really pissed me off the other day. One of my friends, who honestly has no clue about most things related to emotions and feelings, tried to tell me the other day that he "knows how it feels" in regards to the whole Kerry situation.

Excuse me? Fuck You.

You have no idea. Nobody can tell me they know how it feels to be basically told to your face by your ex's mother that you aren't good enough for her. To realize that her mother lives in a delusional fantasy world where she can literally ignore the last 5 years of dating to the point where she can honestly say to her daughter's face: "I didn't think you were dating. I thought you were together when on breaks at school, and dated on your campuses."

Way to call your daughter some sort of hussy. Anyway, that is off topic. No-one can truly understand how it feels. Because it is the most awful feelings in the world. I would never wish it upon anyone (with one exception). The fact is, using that sort of language to me to try to be sympathetic, only insults me more. It also shows that the friendship that he and I supposedly have, is not as close as originally implied.

For God's sakes, can you not see the pain in me?!!!?! I'm sure some people can, bffl probably can. She worries about me all the time, despite having issues of her own. I don't want her to worry about me...I just want her to make her life positive and successful. I want her to be happy, like I was once. To be on top of the world, and never have to realize that the mountain you're standing on is crumbling beneath you.

I just want this year to be over...I want to start my existence as an hourly wage worker.

Take Me There

I've been inspired by another friend's blogs and have begun associating my life with music again. A big thanks to Joanie E for the idea. Today's theme is Rascal Flatts - Take Me There.

I had a chat with someone about Kerry today...and it just stuck with me. I had to do it. I had to see the ring I bought her, the ring I refused to look at until now, the ring I can't get rid of for some reason. It is the only real thing that keeps Kerry with me, minus the random phones conversations and texts we have rarely.

I feel like a glutton for punishment, because I had to listen to the CD I burned for her for Christmas. It didn't bother me like I thought it would...but it is funny.

I made the CD as a walk through our relationship, each song representing a different point in our life together, in correct order. For once, listening to these songs, from Hawaiian Roller Coaster Ride (Lilo & Stitch - Our first date and kiss) to Everything (Michael Buble - to show her that even after 5 and a half years, she still was my entire world), brought good memories. Sure, it still doesn't sit well that its over, and the possibility of being together swiftly diminishes as time goes by, but I'm not losing my mind and crying my eyes out like I used to do. I would call that serious progress.

Some people search a lifetime for a moment like this.
Some people search forever for that one special kiss.
I cant believe its happening to me.
Some people wait a lifetime for a moment like this.

That always stays with me...those words from our song. Well, it was our song. I guess its just a song now...but it will always mean something to me.

I think, now more than ever, I don't want a girlfriend. I don't need a girlfriend. I just need a companion. Someone not so much to have and to hold...but someone who can cuddle with me. Someone that I know will feel safe in my arms, and snuggles up to me not because I'm comfortable, or that I'm warm, or that because we are all squeezed in on a couch.

I want someone who wants to snuggle...because she would rather be no other place in the world.



Maybe that's asking for too much. I don't know. Friendship is awesome, and I do have amazing friends, especially the four that I know read this blog. I just....sometimes, want a hand to hold.

When I think back
On these times
And the dreams
We left behind
I'll be glad 'cause
I was blessed to get
To have you in my life
When I look back
On these days
I'll look and see your face
You were right there for me

Just when you think you know...

I woke up feeling like a sack of hammers with a yeast infection.

Sounds horrible, doesn't it?

Yeah...I felt great yesterday. I thought it was getting better!

Oy.

A Weekend of Revelations

So bffls had a revelation about things that have been bothering her, and I am very happy for her in that respect. I, somehow wanting to follow her lead, have developed a similar revelation about my life.

All this time I have been fixated, obsessed even, with finding a new girl in my life. I hate to use the term "mate," but basically that. Someone who isn't just a friend, someone who is more. Funny thing is, it never was about someone to go out on dates with, or to kiss or have sex or anything like that. It was about being able to snuggle, and spend time in each others company. As much as I have enjoyed some of the physical aspects of past relationships, I have always cherished the more emotional sidenotes. Maybe I am weird in that respect, but the fact is I miss that more than anything: the idea of making someone feel safe, secure, happy.

Something came over me recently...I don't need a girlfriend or a love interest to rekindle those feelings. I just need friends who can, at times, make me feel like I hold this big place in their lives.

It isn't like the people in my life don't do that already, maybe its just not enough for me....i don't know. Either way, I just need to find that way, that balance, that keeps me happy without inconveniencing them. That will be the hard part.

On another note, I was awfully sick this weekend, making my entire weekend hellish. Let me tell you, this was a full body revolt. I feel dumb because despite my illness, I wanted to be a part of my friend's lives. I dunno, but I will say it spoke volumes to me about being there and hearing/seeing things as I couldn't do much. People in my group of friends have changed...and some not so much for the better. It bothers me, because I still care about them, even if they are assholes sometimes.

Finally, I want to apologize for being snippy to some of my friends over the weekend. Besides the sickness, the whole double date thing, as well as the viewing of the boudoir photo thing or whatever...just got to me. I didn't want to hear about it, or know about it to really any degree. Why? I was really, really jealous. When we all hang out in Sheff, especially last weekend, it became apparent that the attached outnumber the single. I could never say I handled my breakup well, and it is obvious to me that I am still handling it.

I don't want to be unhappy because you're happy, or snappy because I don't/can't have what you do. I'm sorry if I was an ass because of it. It normally doesn't bother me. I think it is mainly because those two things you did on one day are things I wanted to do with my ex...and I never got to/she would never do something like that.



Revelations are finicky things. Sometimes, they are like a bright light that shines enlightenment on to you, bringing you answers to your problems and your prayers. Other times, they bring more challenges and problems in to the mix.

Finicky bastards...

New Schedule, New Semester, New Life?

I switched my classes around today...that was a massive pain in the ass. Mainly because Friday is supposed to be the last day to enroll in a class, and I highly doubt my advisor will be around to sign anything. Not like I didn't enroll through Matrix anyway today...hehe. Oh, I love the internet sometimes.

I am not excited about e-mailing the rest of my new/old professors to tell them I added/dropped their classes. I feel kind of like a jerk. "Hey, I'm joining you're class. I know it has almost been 2 weeks...but I just joined. kkthxbai."

I start my EMT class today, and I'm really excited and nervous at the same time. I'm excited because this is something I am very passionate about...but I don't want this to be a big mistake. Not in the sense that it will ruin my life, but in the sense that I will fail. That would suck.

My Life on a String

It is weird to think that college life as I know it is over...and not over at the same time. Furthermore, the way things in life do or do not work out always perplexes me...why things happen and why they don't. I guess that's my whole reason for going in to science anyway.

But there is this weird feeling that tells me not everything is explainable, and that scares me. I'm an agnostic person, and while I do not disbelieve in the existence of God, it doesn't mean that I believe that He, or whoever is up there...is actually there. It is such a weird thing to explain how this works out in my head without actually causing it to explode.

Either way, I think...I know I can make my current, and hopefully last, career goal a reality. The only problem is, I don't know how long it will take me. Classes are alright, but I will say I am not a fan of most of them...mainly because I have this goal and none of them really push me towards that goal. I feel bad because I sometimes feel like this semester isn't doing me any good.

On a completely different note...I miss my friends a lot. I realized that this Saturday at the Jeff Dunham Marathon. I never see them and I have missed out on a huge part of my life last year. They would joke about things that happened last semester I had never heard of...It made me think.

I feel like I'm more of a burden on my friends than anything else. Almost like they don't want to expend the energy or effort to come and visit me. Now I understand their thing about how there are like10 over on campus and just me here...but I never said anything about them all coming as a group every single time. I dunno, it seems like every time I visit, I feel increasingly disconnected.

I dislike that feeling.