Weird Realizations of a "Free" Man

I have to admit, I really enjoy long drives by myself. Especially at night on the highway. I had the opportunity to be with my own thoughts with soft music playing in the background of the white noise of wind at 65 miles per hour. I got a chance to visit two of my best friends, Zack and Erin, as they began gearing up for the new school year, which gave me the ability to drive home at night, and these were some of the thoughts that I ran through:

First things first, it was great to see the two of them. I will admit that I am horrible at keeping in touch with people, and to actually be able to be in their presence and company was wonderful. I loved seeing them, chatting with them, and sharing a meal with them at Captain's Catch. However, I also felt this great divide between me and them, like the simple fact that I was "done" with college...at least, for the time being, changed things. That sucks. It wasn't something awful, but it seemed like I was in a totally different world then they were. I don't know how I feel about that.

On the subject of college: I realize now that Kerry, the break up, and the disastrous aftermath were not the only factors that led to my eventual drop-out. I...didn't want to be there. The University of New Haven was, in the end, a place I hated. Not because of the people (my friends are the best), but because it allowed me to get as bad as I was, and no one intervened. Yeah, it wasn't their job. But it made me think that someone would've noticed a student, one who is very active, etc. Falls off the face of the Earth, Withdraws from every single class for two semesters straight...you'd think someone would've found me and asked if things were alright. I think that is part of the reason I am so displeased with the school, and why I could never finish, even in the wake of better days. (This is beyond the point of the fact I didn't see a point, or care in the slightest. But I still believe this to be contributing factor.)

I also once again found myself thinking on the subject of relationships, and women. I find it strange that I have begun to think about Kerry again. I hope she is ok, because the fact of the matter is that I know the girl came out about as well as I did, and had a lot less support in terms of friends and such.

I found it ironic as I drove, listening to the radio, that our relationship is very similar to two songs by an artist that seemed to evolve as our relationship did: Kelly Clarkson. She sang "our song" at the time, which completely described us. Now, her newest single, "Already Gone," seems to describe our relationship even more as the end came drawing near. I just simply find it ironic, especially if you see Ms. Clarkson in the videos. In "A moment like this," she is juvenile, a teen, much like we were. She was optimistic, with big dreams in her eyes. In "Already Gone," she is older, seems wiser, and she looks learned, as if shes been through pain and disappointment.

These are just observations in the latest time frame, I don't want people to see these as cryptic messages for help. Iam most likely looking too far in to things, and work from there.

Until next time....Excelsior!

Acceptance.

I haven't blogged in a while, mainly because of work...and just a general desire to not rant about something. Truth is, these blogs have become mainly a release for me when I feel bad, or sad, or lonely. I recently have been doing a lot of fun things, like going to New Hampshire, and getting blitzed drunk. As weird as that sounds for me....I really feel like it was good. I needed time to literally forget, because as my last couple of blogs suggest, things kinda suck...and they still do, just they are a lot closer.

I have once again gone back to internet dating, and re-tried making an eHarmony profile, as I am not really looking for a date. I never have been. I have always been looking for a relationship, someone to hold, someone to hug goodbye and squeeze as hard as they can, and never let go because they don' want you to leave. Someone who can speak to you without using words...

It initially started pretty well. They use a guided communication system, which has four phases before you get to the regular e-mail portion of the communication (known as "open" communication). Also, if you don't think a person is a match, you can close a match, which will notify the person the other person wants to close the match, and requires a confirmation from the other party. Needless to say, my profile wasn't totally complete, but I was in communication with three separate girls, some close, some not...and the second I put pictures up of myself...all three had closed the match. That really hurt...I hate that eHarmony is supposed to be more serious, and people are just as shallow.

I'm sick of being rejected, especially when I have to pay 120 dollars for three months of rejection. At least on PlentyofFish, I can be rejected, and not have to pay a dime. I just don't get why I'm not good enough for anyone. Yeah, I'm fat. Big whoop. But I would treat a girl like she could never imagine. Make her feel special, pretty, and like she is a princess...that is apparently what they don't want.

I think its so funny how my mind works, because after Megan and I broke up, very peacably in fact, I began to once again crush on all the girls who I am close friends with. Why? I don't know. I have some morbid internal sensor that automatically thinks a girl is interested just because they are close to me and nice to me...maybe because in the past a lot of girls won't give me the time of day. Hell, even at work, some of them won't...and all I am doing is saying "hi."

Am I really that unappealing?

With that thought, I have finally reached the 5th level: Acceptance. I'm past denial, anger, bargaining, and depression. I've finally accepted that I'm not going to find a girl based on how I want it to happen. I'm not going to randomly run in to her somewhere, and have her magically be attracted to me. I'm not going to find someone I can be compatible with on the internet...its full of the same shallow people who click off my profile just at the look of my 58 inch waist. The only way I can think of is to get people to get to know me...but by then, they all just want to be friends. Its a vicious, awful cycle. Something I can't win at...so I am going to stop fighting.

I mean, for God's sakes, I'm jealous of Prescott because he got to prose to his girlfriend, and they will be happy together, while I have to wallow in depression and the knowledge that I will be alone forever because Ruth Stone needs to die and can't let her daughter go because she herself isn't happy.

How is that fair to anyone?

I just want a hand to hold...and eyes to look back that tell me that holding hands is the best thing in the world right now.

...Someone to squeeze back...

I'm sorry for ranting, especially because it only makes me feel worse, because I finally put down how I feel. It makes me think more. Ugh.

Off to bed, if I can sleep tonight.