Acceptance.

I haven't blogged in a while, mainly because of work...and just a general desire to not rant about something. Truth is, these blogs have become mainly a release for me when I feel bad, or sad, or lonely. I recently have been doing a lot of fun things, like going to New Hampshire, and getting blitzed drunk. As weird as that sounds for me....I really feel like it was good. I needed time to literally forget, because as my last couple of blogs suggest, things kinda suck...and they still do, just they are a lot closer.

I have once again gone back to internet dating, and re-tried making an eHarmony profile, as I am not really looking for a date. I never have been. I have always been looking for a relationship, someone to hold, someone to hug goodbye and squeeze as hard as they can, and never let go because they don' want you to leave. Someone who can speak to you without using words...

It initially started pretty well. They use a guided communication system, which has four phases before you get to the regular e-mail portion of the communication (known as "open" communication). Also, if you don't think a person is a match, you can close a match, which will notify the person the other person wants to close the match, and requires a confirmation from the other party. Needless to say, my profile wasn't totally complete, but I was in communication with three separate girls, some close, some not...and the second I put pictures up of myself...all three had closed the match. That really hurt...I hate that eHarmony is supposed to be more serious, and people are just as shallow.

I'm sick of being rejected, especially when I have to pay 120 dollars for three months of rejection. At least on PlentyofFish, I can be rejected, and not have to pay a dime. I just don't get why I'm not good enough for anyone. Yeah, I'm fat. Big whoop. But I would treat a girl like she could never imagine. Make her feel special, pretty, and like she is a princess...that is apparently what they don't want.

I think its so funny how my mind works, because after Megan and I broke up, very peacably in fact, I began to once again crush on all the girls who I am close friends with. Why? I don't know. I have some morbid internal sensor that automatically thinks a girl is interested just because they are close to me and nice to me...maybe because in the past a lot of girls won't give me the time of day. Hell, even at work, some of them won't...and all I am doing is saying "hi."

Am I really that unappealing?

With that thought, I have finally reached the 5th level: Acceptance. I'm past denial, anger, bargaining, and depression. I've finally accepted that I'm not going to find a girl based on how I want it to happen. I'm not going to randomly run in to her somewhere, and have her magically be attracted to me. I'm not going to find someone I can be compatible with on the internet...its full of the same shallow people who click off my profile just at the look of my 58 inch waist. The only way I can think of is to get people to get to know me...but by then, they all just want to be friends. Its a vicious, awful cycle. Something I can't win at...so I am going to stop fighting.

I mean, for God's sakes, I'm jealous of Prescott because he got to prose to his girlfriend, and they will be happy together, while I have to wallow in depression and the knowledge that I will be alone forever because Ruth Stone needs to die and can't let her daughter go because she herself isn't happy.

How is that fair to anyone?

I just want a hand to hold...and eyes to look back that tell me that holding hands is the best thing in the world right now.

...Someone to squeeze back...

I'm sorry for ranting, especially because it only makes me feel worse, because I finally put down how I feel. It makes me think more. Ugh.

Off to bed, if I can sleep tonight.