I fucking hate my life.
God Damn it.
Thursday, September 10, 2009
Monday, September 7, 2009
Stir Crazy Blues
I'm sick of being home. Sick of feeling unwelcome in my own room. Sick of watching an unequal standing for my siblings.
I know they are my family, and they love me. But love isn't everything. I hate my brother. My sister can do no wrong in the eyes of my parents, and gets everything she wants. They can tell me until they are blue in the face, but she doesn't get punished like we used to, and she is just as bad as we were, if not worse.
I hate how my father always gets so angry when I make comments and stuff about this, and how he spouts lectures about the importance of family when he hasn't spoken to his younger brother in over 10 years. He refuses to patch things up despite how much he misses his brother. I fucking hate double standards! Its like everything in my life has been some sort of fucking double standard that I never seem to have the benefit of...
Granted, I could be completely missing them, or ignoring them all together for the purpose of being emotional and mad. No matter. The whole ordeal with Kerry was a big double standard in our relationship, theres a huge double standard between all of us children in the Fasano house. Nick gets to say, do and be whatever the fuc he wants to, and no one says anything. Gabby never gets fucking punished for things I would've been slapped for at her age. (I don't give a shit about the "changing times" bullshit. Parents are over sensitive nowadays and need a slap themselves.) I get the blame for everything. I work my ass off to help the family, but get no recognition. I hate this place!
I just want to find my dream job (yeah, right) and move out. Who cares about financials? Fuck Sallie Mae. Its my fault shes ruining my life. I'm going to be 48/49 when I pay off my loans. FML. I fucking give up! I'm 23 years old and my life is basically over. I have wasted nearly 6 years of my life in a relationship that basically destroyed me, wasted 5 fucking around in college to accomplish nothing, and am in debt 162 large, which will take 25 years or more to pay off, I'm in a dead end job where I get no respect and am disliked because I know what the fuck I'm talking about.
I laugh sometimes about when I was really, really depressed after Kerry and I broke up, and I thought pretty thoroughly about suicide and homicide (of her parents). Its just funny because by far, my life is considerably worse, and I'm not contemplating suicide...simply because it would completely screw over my family. Well, my mom and dad. Fuck the other two.
It really sucks being 23, and knowing that you've got nothing to really look forward to in life except the next good movie with a friend or a bonus paycheck you can actually spend on yourself instead of bills.
I know they are my family, and they love me. But love isn't everything. I hate my brother. My sister can do no wrong in the eyes of my parents, and gets everything she wants. They can tell me until they are blue in the face, but she doesn't get punished like we used to, and she is just as bad as we were, if not worse.
I hate how my father always gets so angry when I make comments and stuff about this, and how he spouts lectures about the importance of family when he hasn't spoken to his younger brother in over 10 years. He refuses to patch things up despite how much he misses his brother. I fucking hate double standards! Its like everything in my life has been some sort of fucking double standard that I never seem to have the benefit of...
Granted, I could be completely missing them, or ignoring them all together for the purpose of being emotional and mad. No matter. The whole ordeal with Kerry was a big double standard in our relationship, theres a huge double standard between all of us children in the Fasano house. Nick gets to say, do and be whatever the fuc he wants to, and no one says anything. Gabby never gets fucking punished for things I would've been slapped for at her age. (I don't give a shit about the "changing times" bullshit. Parents are over sensitive nowadays and need a slap themselves.) I get the blame for everything. I work my ass off to help the family, but get no recognition. I hate this place!
I just want to find my dream job (yeah, right) and move out. Who cares about financials? Fuck Sallie Mae. Its my fault shes ruining my life. I'm going to be 48/49 when I pay off my loans. FML. I fucking give up! I'm 23 years old and my life is basically over. I have wasted nearly 6 years of my life in a relationship that basically destroyed me, wasted 5 fucking around in college to accomplish nothing, and am in debt 162 large, which will take 25 years or more to pay off, I'm in a dead end job where I get no respect and am disliked because I know what the fuck I'm talking about.
I laugh sometimes about when I was really, really depressed after Kerry and I broke up, and I thought pretty thoroughly about suicide and homicide (of her parents). Its just funny because by far, my life is considerably worse, and I'm not contemplating suicide...simply because it would completely screw over my family. Well, my mom and dad. Fuck the other two.
It really sucks being 23, and knowing that you've got nothing to really look forward to in life except the next good movie with a friend or a bonus paycheck you can actually spend on yourself instead of bills.
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